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Hey, Hollywood- Here’s The “Tommys!”Who needs the Oscars? Hey, movie fans! CommonConservative.com brings you our #1 movie critic, Tom Adkins! Before you take out a second mortgage to plunk down $18 for movie tickets, $24 for junk food concessions, $60 for the babysitter and three precious hours of your life, let Tom review the contenders this year, and award the “TOMMY” to the deserving winners. "Brokeback Mountain" It’s not a love story wrapped up in a gay setting. It’s a gay story pimped in a love setting. If you are a lumberjack in a Monty Python sort of way, this show is for you. Otherwise, this movie is pretty much rump-wrangling in a field of sheep. And that’s a lot of imagery I’m retching over… TOMMYS “Most Over-hyped Show Nobody Will Watch” “Funniest Serious Line” (“I wish I knew how to quit you”) Lots of good answers featured daily in comedy clubs all across America. "Capote" Another show about a gay guy. The twist? This one is actually somewhat true. He is portrayed as a superbly talented, thoughtful writer, whose deep conscience was tortured after he wrote In Cold Blood, which exalted murderers to celebrity status. Hey, Truman- thanks for the concern. But did you give all the money back? In fact, Capote was yet another modest talent who gained fame because he glorified immorality and he was gay. Otherwise, he’d be known as, “Truman who???” TOMMY “Best Gay Show Other Than 'Brokeback Mountain'” "Crash" Yet another predictable liberal show that uses unrealistic characters with exceptionally unlikely behaviors and unbelievable situations to display America’s prejudices. In reality, you’d have to interview all 300 million Americans to find enough chuckleheads with this much bigotry and venom to cast this movie. TOMMY “Most Unrealistic Scene That Will Never Happen” NOTE- This is a tough call, since there are about 50 such scenes in this wretch, but the winner is when the cop shoots the black kid. If you waste your money on this dreadful film, the forced stupid conversation leading to the plugging is priceless. "Good Night And Good Luck" Now that George Clooney has turned his insufferable acting into more insufferable directing, this movie is yet another oh-so-clever comparison of past despicable characters to current Republicans. In this case, Clooney tries to insinuate that the oppression wrought by infamous Senator Joseph McCarthy against the brave Edward R Murrow is just like the current battle between the media and the Bush Administration. The irony, of course, is that the modern media is completely dominated by liberals, who have turned modern news reporting into almost pure political fiction, expressly silencing conservatives. And of course, history has proven that McCarthy was actually right. TOMMY “Most Irony Lost On The Entire Cast, Writer, Producer and Crew” "Syriana" Can’t he leave us alone? George Clooney and Matt Damon are featured in this unsubtle indictment of US foreign policy and the oil industry. Surprised? Damon stuffed the MoveOn.Org mailbox with $25,000 last election cycle. Gee, I wonder which side he’s on? The obvious accidental satire, of course, is that the most corrupt foreign policy in American history belongs to the Clinton Administration, who actually sold rocket guidance technology to the Chinese, who along with puppet North Korea, are the only nations with nuclear missiles aimed at American cities. I bet Clooney and Damon won’t make that movie. TOMMY “Second Most Irony Lost On The Entire Cast, Writer, Producer and Crew” "Hustle And Flow" Another racist Hollywood story that makes black men out to be pimps. This one is about a street pimp who wants to become a rap star. Uh, haven’t we heard this story about a bazillion times? Tip: Most rap videos tell this tale in less than four minutes, free on MTV. TOMMY None. "Mrs Henderson Presents" An old lady buys an older theater, and her manager tries to stoke business with nude chorus girls. Critique? It’s been done. "The Full Monty" told the same story with humor and pizzazz. If you’ve seen them both, watching Mrs. Henderson is like ending your birthday party with someone telling the story of how your Dad got killed in a train wreck. TOMMY "Worst Movie With Great Actors” NOTE- How Judy Dench and Bob Hoskins got suckered into this drivel is worthy of a serious investigation. "Munich" The completely embellished Steven Spielberg fiction which bastardizes the truth about the heroic Mossad, who exacted revenge upon the Arab terrorists who murdered the Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic games. With the fate of Israel currently hanging in the balance, it is rumored that the Jewish Spielberg conceived and directed this entire movie with his head inserted into an anatomically impossible position. Spielberg’s obvious message is that Israel should be blamed for promoting a cycle of violence. Earth to Steven: turning the other cheek is a Christian thing, which incidentally led to fat lions in the Coliseum. TOMMY “Fact Turned Into Fiction” Spielberg offers his best fiction to date. "North Country" Is Hollywood running out of material? North Country is yet another droning yarn about how women were oppressed back in the old days. OKAY already. We know!!! And once again, it’s been done, and done better in “Norma Rae.” And despite her nice cheekbones and such, pot-head Charlize Theron isn’t in the class of Sally Fields. TOMMY “Most Reheated Liberal Labor Story Not Worth Watching” "Pride and Prejudice" Dear God, please give me the strength to endure yet another story about the awful old days of arranged marriages set in 18th Century England. I know it’s almost as hard as creating world peace among your subjects, maybe harder, but could you please arrange a bolt of lightning to strike down every factory that manufactures those stupid old period costumes and wigs and such? And no, Keira Knightly isn’t worth the money. TOMMY “Worst Movie Featuring Real English Actors” "Transamerica" Okay, here’s the THIRD movie about gay people. Except this one has the most laughably twisted plot. A gay guy fathers a child, goes away for a sex change operation, then returns years later to meet his son, who hits on him/her. You know Hollywood is running out of gay storylines when they come up with this stuff. TOMMY “No Way Will This Ever Happen On Earth-Ever” "Memoirs of a Geisha" Oh, come on. There is no mystery of Geishas once the Discovery Channel has made the documentary TOMMY “Old News Award” "King Kong" The third version of this movie is long on special effects, short on ingenuity. But if the kids are bored on Saturday afternoon, go rent the thing on DVD TOMMY “Best Movie To Rent For The Kids When You Rented All The Others”” "Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo" Do we even have to bother? The original was awful, but with a sweet message, perhaps. But like they say, you can’t polish a turnip. Or something like that. TOMMY “Just A Freaking Awful Movie” "The Squid And The Whale" Did anybody even see this? TOMMY “Show Nobody Went To See” "Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith" Geeks go home. TOMMY “Movie With The Oldest Geek Audience” "War Of The Worlds" Miserable droning failure of the fascinating Orson Wells original. TOMMYS “Remake Worse That The 40-Year-Old Original” “Leading Man With Most Obvious Head Trauma” "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" Willy Wonka wasn’t this demented, was he? Save the money. Take the kids to the zoo. TOMMY “Goofiest Actor Who Should Stay In France” "Madagascar" Not a bad choice for kids. TOMMY “Decent Animated Cartoon Show In A Sea of Animated Cartoon Shows” "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" Bleccchhhh… TOMMY “Show Most Likely To Produce ‘Bleccchhh’ Reaction” "40-Year-Old Virgin" Comedy that pretends such a thing exists. If you like dopey comedy’s this is just fine. Otherwise, HBO is better. TOMMY “Best Comedy I Didn’t Bother Seeing” SHOWS THAT WON’T WIN OSCARS BUT GET TWO THUMBS UP "A History Of Violence" A family guy blows away a pair of thieves, but the attention helps his old mobster buddies find him. Lots of blood, lots of violence, and all in a pretty good defense of the Second Amendment. Therefore no Oscars TOMMY “Best Movie In Defense Of The US Constitutional Right To Bear Arms” "Wedding Crashers" Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn further establish themselves as top comedy actors with this average but passable comedy. A few naked scenes, but overall a good one if you are laying around the hotel room on vacation, too tired to party any more. TOMMY “Best Silly Comedy For You And The Wife” "Walk The Line" It’s tempting to try and assail this movie. But you can’t. Sure, it shows some the debauchery of a flawed character in a decadent music culture. But the story is how singer Johnny Cash overcomes it all with the help of a good woman (June Carter). TOMMYS “Best Actor” Joaquin Phoenix “Best Actress” Reece Witherspoon Two points here: 1. Phoenix may be the best actor in Hollywood. In case you missed it, he also played Commodus, the son of Marcus Aurelius in “Gladiator.” (Great show) Check out his acting credits, and you’ll be surprised and impressed. 2. Reese Witherspoon is on her way to being the best actress of her generation. Remember, she’s barely over 20 years old. She’s been taking easy light parts so far. Keep an eye on her. A few more years and a few meaty roles and she will be the hottest actress in the world. Really. "Cinderella Man" I suppose any movie that features guys beating crap out of each other is okay with me. This one tells the true story of heavyweight James Braddock. I can’t figure out if I like Russell Crowe or want to get into a fight with him and whup his butt, but he’s a good actor, so what the heck. And yeah, Paul Giamotta should win something. TOMMY "Best Actor who Doesn’t Look Like A Pretty Boy” (Paul Giamatti) No, not Russell Crowe "March Of The Penguins" Just a cute documentary about penguins. Go see it. Bring the kids TOMMY “Best Documentary Not Fake like Michael Moore’s” "The Chronicles of Narnia" Not as good as Harry Potter TOMMY “Not As Good As Harry Potter, But Not Bad” "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" Exceptional story of good versus evil, with surprisingly good acting and a surprisingly conservative message. Best line: “We must choose between what is easy and what is right.” Conservatism doesn’t get much better than that. TOMMYS “Best Theme” “Best Kids Movie” There you go, folks. The Tommy Awards are public. Hopefully, the recipients will gush forth tears of joy, caressing the moment and treasuring this honor for a lifetime. Or not. Above all, the TOMMYS provide a useful guide for you to navigate the sea of celluloid dreck. Sure, it may be interesting to see how the Oscars and Golden Globes match up. For that matter, it will be interesting to see if anyone watches the Oscars this year, considering how few people even went to movies this year. So if you are looking for entertainment unspoiled by Hollywood’s political preaching, moral decay and general cravenness, let the Tommys be your guide. NOTE- Please be advised that the author has seen only
two movies in 2005: "Walk The Line" and "Harry
Potter and the Goblet of Fire." He has declined to spend
a nickel on the rest of this drivel. |
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