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Finally! Proof of Global Warming!!!The Solar System is doomed! Okay, my fellow conservatives, I’ve discovered the truth. I must admit global warming is here, and it’s worse than anyone imagined. You know those Chicken Littles who claim that rising global temperatures are causing catastrophic storms? Turns out they are right. In fact, I can prove it. Doubt me? Well, my ignorant friends, the Hubbel telescope has captured direct proof of a massive storm brewing. Right now. The storm is Immense! Immeasurable! Really, really big! It’s actually so large, the Earth can actually fit inside it. Uh, wait a minute. Isn’t that impossible? Wrong, Einstein. See, the storm is happening right now, on the planet with the greatest global warming problem in the solar system, Jupiter. Really. Remember the “Red Spot” on Jupiter? It appeared about 300 years ago. It’s actually a giant hurricane. Well, guess what? Turns out Jupiter has experienced global warming for almost a century, a catastrophic 10 degree rise. And just as predicted, three White-Spot “mini-storms” sprouted up not too far away from the Red Spot. And the warmer the temperature got, the more active those storms became. Now, two White-Spot storms have combined to create a “Red Spot Junior,” which is threatening to combine with the third White-Spot. That will make it almost as big as the “Red Spot.” If that happens, they will likely combine, and produce a Really-Really-Big-Red Spot,” so big it may be called the “Gee Whiz spot.” Okay, I’m only kidding about the Gee Whiz Spot. But the way eco-nuts are having screaming orgasms over temperature change on Earth should alarm anyone. Why? Because there is a greater problem brewing. Not Global Warming (Which they’ve shrieked about for 20 years). And not Global Cooling (Which they shrieked about the previous 20 years). No, it’s something far worse: Global Stopping. Yeah, the temperature on Earth has stopped rising. Hasn’t changed since 1998. Amazing! And the Kyoto Treaty wasn’t even signed! Meanwhile, the polar ice caps are melting …on Mars! Yikes! What gives??? Simple. Global warming is baloney. Here are a few interesting facts to inhale while contemplating hysterics of the environmental looneys. The greatest period of global warming during the last century was between 1918 and 1940. The greatest cooling was between 1940 and 1965. Say, weren’t there more factories belching soot and scary things into the atmosphere in the 50s and 60s? Uh, yeah. So how does that make sense? Of course, environuts will claim that Jupiter’s massive storm proves what they are saying: global warming will cause greater hurricanes. But the people without wind between their ears will note that the global warming is taking place without dastardly earthlings who create pollution just for the thrill of killing all life on Earth. And that leads me to my suspicions. Think about this: there must be life on Mars. Advanced life. Probably driving around those Martian canals in SUVs, ruining the ecosystem. And I think there is life on Jupiter. And they drive SUVs, too. Big ones. Really big ones, I suppose. And I bet they have big factories, pumping deadly gasses into the Jovian atmosphere. If those things are true, there is even worse news. News that may ruin so-called intelligent life in the entire Solar System: they must have hysterical liberal politicians who spend most of their time belching hot air. Can we survive liberal politicians and left-wing activists on three planets? Doubtful. I know one thing for sure. I’m certain we ever find those
beady-eyed buggers on Mars or Jupiter, there will be an unbathed
Greenpeace activist presenting a petition at his front door, vowing
to save him from himself. I hope they have the appetite H.G. Wells
promised. |
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