Ms. Smith Goes to Washington

Big boobs in DC (and we're not talking about Congress)

This term, the Supreme Court will hear one of the most bizarre cases in its history – the Anna Nicole Smith case. Smith has been engaged in a legal battle every bit as ugly as Barbara Walters without makeup (or with it for that matter). For a decade, she has been pursuing her share of the billion dollar estate left by 90-year-old late husband.

Smith met oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II while working as a stripper in 1994. Despite being 63 years apart in age (and at least that far apart in IQ points), the two fell madly in love and agreed to be wed ‘til death do they part, which at Marshall’s age, was expected to be about two weeks.

In actuality, Marshall died 14 months after the wedding at the tender age of 90. Despite being devastated by the loss of her “soul mate,” Smith immediately went to court to get her “rightful share” (i.e., LOTS) of his estate. After all, Smith had given Marshall the best 14 months of her life. She was entitled to at least $400 million for her trouble, right?

Well, not surprisingly, the original Texas probate judge didn’t see it that way. He threw out the case faster than Smith’s next husband will throw out his back trying to carry her over the threshold. Not to be denied the fruits of her labor, Smith filed a lawsuit in California federal court claiming that her 50-something-year-old stepson, E. Pierce Marshall, wasn’t “playing nice.” The federal circuit judge in this case agreed and ordered Marshall to “share” to the tune of $474
million.

However, before Smith was able to collect a dime of this verdict, Marshall appealed on two grounds. For one, Marshall claimed that, much like Smith’s rear end, the verdict was excessive. Second, Marshall claimed that a federal court in California had no right to decide a matter of Texas probate law. An appellate court agreed with Marshall on both counts. First, the court reduced the verdict to a mere $89 million. Next, the court overturned the verdict altogether, declaring that perhaps California federal court wasn’t the best place to handle a Texas family feud.

However, in the immortal words of Smith’s acting coach, “If it at first you don’t succeed, show more cleavage.” Therefore, Smith will be going to Washington to plead her case before the Supreme Court. Some legal experts predict that Smith’s case will fall flatter than the ratings of her now defunct reality TV show. Well, I’m not so sure. As I see it, you never can count out a woman who was able to parlay $20 lap dances into a shot at millions.

Besides, in this case, Smith has the home court advantage. Her audience consists of six old men, each of whom is probably senile enough to believe that a young attractive woman could actually find them sexy. Therefore, if Smith shows up to oral arguments wearing a low-cut blouse, a mini skirt and a pouting frown, she may just walk away with $400 million after all. In fact, she might just walk away with her next late husband as well.

Let’s just hope that she doesn’t claim that she’s also entitled to inherit a seat on the Supreme Court.

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Sean Carter is a lawyer, comedian, public speaker and the author of
If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit? – Your Humorous Guide to the Law.
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