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"Pharaoh, Let My People Sue!"WMD = Weapons of Moronic Depositions!by Sean Carter Last week, we received more disturbing news from the Middle East. Of course, disturbing news from this region has become as commonplace as women kissing each other on MTV; just not nearly as exciting. However, this most recent news is particularly tragic because it could permanently damage any prospect for long-term peace. Nabil Hilmi of Egypt has threatened an attack against Israel that could escalate the conflict beyond anything we’ve seen so far. In fact, if this threat is carried out, we can be assured of decades of ongoing conflict. This is because Hilmi is threatening to use the most devastating force in existence – lawyers. Hilmi, dean of Egypt’s al-Zaqaziq University, has announced that a team of lawyers are looking into filing a lawsuit against the Jews of the world. In this lawsuit, they will seek compensation from the Jews for plundering silver, gold and clothing from the Egyptians during their Biblical exodus from Egypt. Hilmi’s primary evidence comes from the Old Testament itself. In Exodus 12:35-36, the text reveals that just before leaving Egypt, the Jews asked their captors for articles of silver, gold and clothing, “thus they plundered the Egyptians.” And it gets weirder. Some Jewish experts have already begun formulating their defense. They will claim that they had a right to these goods as payment for centuries of slavery. Furthermore, there is even talk of bringing a counterclaim against the Egyptians. According to writer Beth Goodman, Hilmi “has opened the door for all Jews to sue Egypt for over 400 years of slavery.” At present, Hilmi says that he hasn’t decided where to bring this lawsuit. However, I suspect that he is giving serious consideration to filing in the U.S. After all, our juries hand out multibillion dollar verdicts as if they were fliers to a new nightclub. “Take one and tell a friend!” Nevertheless, even in America, there is a limit to the insanity and this case crosses the line. First of all, the events at the heart of this dispute occurred 3,500 years ago. Every civilized system of justice in the world (and even our own) imposes a statute of limitations for most claims. These statutes exist to encourage parties to bring their grievances while the facts are still clear in the minds of the parties involved. In most jurisdictions, the statute of limitations in this type of case is up to three years. Therefore, by my rough calculations, the Egyptians are 3,497 years late (give or take a century) in bringing their claim. Second, the Book of Exodus has no probative value from a legal standpoint. While millions of us rest our faith on the Bible, the law can’t legally recognize the truth of the Bible. To do so would be to officially sanction Judeo-Christian theology at the expense of other religions. Besides, involving the courts in religious disputes could come back to bite us like Marv Albert on a first date. After all, even within the Christian faith, there are thousands of denominational disputes. About the only thing our Christian leaders can seem to agree on is that Tammy Faye Bakker wore entirely too much eye shadow (and even Jim Bakker appeared to disagree on that count). Finally, even assuming this lawsuit could go forward, how do we assess damages? The Book of Exodus doesn’t specify how much gold and silver were taken by the Jews. However, considering that they carried it with them on foot, it couldn’t have been that much. Therefore, even if every Jew left Egypt looking like Mr. T, there still doesn’t seem to be much to fight over here. Besides, who should be responsible for paying back this debt? Should only direct descendants of the Jews in Exodus be liable? If so, how do determine who these people are? In the 21st century, a kid is lucky if he can identify his own father, nevertheless descendants from 3,500 years ago. Also, what about people who have married into the Jewish faith? And what about those who do not observe the Jewish traditions? For instance, I have a friend named Joshua who loves nothing better than a McDonald’s McRib sandwich. Should Joshua be punished more because of his unwillingness to stick to a kosher diet? Or less? Isn’t the McRib punishment enough for Joshua? Even more important than the various legal issues involved is the effect this lawsuit will have on the peace process. Let’s face it; the Middle East is already as violent as one of our public schools. However, this litigation will make things infinitely worse. After all, much like terrorists and paramilitary guerrillas, lawyers play for keeps. Moreover, they are no cease fires in litigation. Once a lawsuit has been filed, lawyers don’t stop fighting until they have either achieved victory and/or bankrupted their clients. The last thing anyone of us needs is to have the Israelis and Egyptians selling high-grade weaponry on the black market to pay their legal fees. ________________________________ Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at: |