The Lawyers and the Cheese

Monkeying around with the law is no Gouda

by Sean Carter
01/16/04

There is a famous tale about two cats who stole a piece of cheese. However, they soon began to bicker over an equal division of their booty. At this point, a monkey came along, and upon hearing their dilemma, offered to help by dividing the cheese for them. The monkey took out a big knife (it's amazing how forest animals always seem to have kitchen cutlery handy) and cut the cheese into two pieces. However, one piece was noticeably larger than the other. In an effort to even them out, he began nibbling on the larger piece. However, soon the monkey had eaten too much from the larger piece and one of the cats yelled out, “Hey! Now, that piece is too small!” The monkey replied, “No problem,” and began nibbling on the other piece. Once again, he ate too much from the “big” piece and the other cat yelled out, “Now, you've made that piece too small.” Well, unless you are a member of the current Administration, you can probably guess what happened. Before long, the monkey had eaten all of the cheese and the cats were left with nothing.

While this fable is almost as old as Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve (just not nearly as boring), it somewhat applies to the American legal system in the 21st Century. All too often, a party will engage a lawyer to resolve a dispute on his behalf only to later discover that the lawyer's fees have eaten away any chance of profit.

A prime example is the dispute over Barry Bonds's record-setting 73rd home run ball. As you probably remember, Alex Popov, the man who originally caught the ball, was tackled to the ground and another man, Patrick Hayashi, ended up in possession of this rather valuable collectible. Popov then made the well-intentioned mistake of hiring an attorney to help him regain possession of the ball. This effort proved partly successful, as one year later, the judge ruled that Popov was entitled to one-half ownership of the ball. Last summer, the ball fetched $450,000 at auction. Once again, for those of you in the White House, that means Popov received a $225,000 windfall. Right?

Well, not exactly. The sad truth is that Popov may actually lose as much as $248,500 in the transaction. Why? Because his lawyer is claiming $473,500 in legal fees for “winning” the case. Of course, this entire incident was bizarre and therefore, an absurd outcome is somewhat fitting.

However, this case is by no means an anomaly. For instance, take Rosie O’Donnell’s dispute with the publisher of her now-defunct magazine. The two sides waged an all-out war over the demise of the magazine. Each side claimed damages in excess of than $100 million. However, in the end, a New York judge ruled that neither party had much of a case. Nevertheless, the feud is still on over legal fees. In a year, O’Donnell’s lawyers were able to rack up $8 million in legal fees. Of course, I realize that $8 million may not be a lot of money compared to the national debt or O’Donnell’s monthly grocery bills but it still seems rather excessive.

By way of illustration, let's assume that O’Donnell’s lawyers charged $400 per hour. If so, this means that they worked 20,000 hours (the equivalent of 10 years) on a dubious case. Of course, legal ethics (and the libel laws) prevent me from even insinuating that the lawyers have “monkeyed around” with their bill. Nevertheless, $8 million in fees is simply ridiculous in this case.

In another example of “cheesy” behavior, Monica Lewinsky recently lost in her effort to get the federal government to pay the $1.1 million legal bill she incurred in the Zippergate scandal. Of course, in comparison to O’Donnell, Lewinsky seems to have gotten a bargain. But did she? After all, Lewinsky was never formally charged with a crime. In fact, her only possible offense was perjury, which as we all know is about as strictly enforced as the rule requiring people to wait 20 minutes after eating before resuming swimming. Given that, did it really make sense to spend the equivalent of my parents’ entire lifetime incomes on her defense?

Sadly, these cases are quite common. And although legal assistance can be invaluable at times, it can also be quite costly. Therefore, the next time you have a dispute with someone, give some serious thought as to whether you can afford to have a lawyer nibbling away at your wallet. Remember, the booty you save may be your own.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

www.lawpsided.com

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