Let's Defend Marriage ... From Ourselves

Straight talk on gay marriage

by Sean Carter
03/01/04

The recent ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Court is just the first of many rulings that will validate gay marriage on state grounds. And before long, the federal courts will get into the act as well.

For many Americans, this makes about as much sense as a Shaquille O’Neal post-game interview (“Well, basically, I just tried to stay within myself and let the game come to me. There is no “I” in team, you know.”) However, there is a strong Constitutional basis for these decisions. The Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution reads, “no state shall … deny to any person … the equal protection of the law.” In English, this means that states may not discriminate against certain groups at the expense of other groups.

Gay rights advocates claim that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional because they discriminate against couples on the basis of sex. After all, a male and female couple can get married while a male and male (or female and female) couple can’t get married. Of course, the courts recognize that some forms of gender discrimination are permitted. For instance, men can be banned from women’s changing rooms at the gym. Damn courts!

Therefore, when evaluating claims of gender discrimination, courts will uphold a state law if it is “substantially related to an important governmental interest.” Opponents of gay marriage argue that the ban on gay marriage meets an important governmental interest – the sanctity of marriage.

However, in recent months, this argument has been about as persuasive as Howard Dean’s “Vote For Me Or I’ll Quit” campaign strategy. Lawyers for gay couples have correctly pointed out that the marriage of a gay couple does not harm the marriage of a straight couple. After all, the marriage of Steve and Brad does not hurt my marriage – that’s my mother-in-law’s job. Recognizing the weakness in their position, the opponents of gay marriage are now playing the “Constitutional card.” They are lobbying Congress to amend the Constitution to protect marriage. I fully support such an amendment.

However, I think we should expand the scope of the amendment to deal with more than just gay marriage. After all, gay marriage hasn’t destroyed the sanctity of marriage – heterosexual marriage took care of that all by itself. To say that we heterosexuals have upheld the sanctity of marriage is like saying that Rosie O’Donnell is in perfect shape because she’s round. We have lied to and cheated on our spouses with reckless abandon. And some of us marry and divorce so often that we should get frequent divorcer “miles” from our attorneys.

For this reason, the new Defense of Marriage Amendment should not only ban gay marriage but it should ban certain straight marriages. For instance, any marriage involving Larry King, Liza Minelli, or Bill Clinton should be unconstitutional. Furthermore, certain acts within a marriage should be deemed unconstitutional. For instance, it should be unconstitutional to drag your unsuspecting spouse on "The Jerry Springer Show" to force them into a fist fight with your current lover. It should also be unconstitutional to get mad at your spouse and when asked what’s wrong, to say, “Well, if you have to ask, there’s no use telling you.”

After all, if we are going to defend marriage, then let’s really defend it … from ourselves.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

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