Stupid Is As Jury Does

Mistrial mayhem!

by Sean Carter
04/16/04

Someone once said, “Only fools and knaves are likely to get justice, probably because they are the only ones ever tried by a court and jury of their peers.” And while I don’t know much about knaves (or anything else for that matter), I do know that this statement applies perfectly to fools. Fools and juries go together like white on the Republican Party. This was illustrated in three separate instances just this month.

In the first instance, an Ohio judge was forced to declare a mistrial in a drug case after a juror was seen drinking beer during a lunch break. Apparently, it never occurred to this juror that the sobriety of the jurors would be an issue on appeal. On the other hand, perhaps drinking during deliberations would explain some of the recent verdicts reached by juries.

Obviously, the courts are going to have to start conducting random drug tests of jurors. Judges will then have to start announcing sentences like this: “The jury has found you guilty of capital murder. Pending the results of the juror’s drug tests, I sentence you to life.”

In another example of “jurorsprudence,” a South Carolina man was arrested when he arrived at the courthouse carrying 18 grams of marijuana in his pants pocket. You guessed it. He was showing up for jury duty.

This is just plain stupid. Didn’t he suspect that he might be searched while going into the courthouse? Besides, what did he think he was going to do with the pot once inside? Was he expecting to be excused from time to time for a “pot break”? Did he expect the judge to say, “This court will be in recess; members of the jury should feel free to stretch their legs, get a drink of water or smoke a fatty”?

The third incident occurred when a juror in the Tyco case gave the “OK” sign to the lawyers at the defense table. No, I’m not making this up! This set off a chain of events, including a death threat, that eventually led to a mistrial after six months of testimony. Oops!

This is why I continue to argue for a professional jury system. The bottom line in life is that you get what you pay for (unless you buy it from Halliburton). By hiring professionals to provide this important service, we could be assured of getting jurors who have the ability to evaluate eyewitness testimony, weigh the probative value of circumstantial evidence, and most importantly, stay sober long enough to actually render a verdict.

Now, I realize that a professional jury system isn’t exactly constitutional but neither is the Patriot Act and yet, we didn’t let that little “technicality” stop us. Besides, we’re in a war here – the War Against Stupid – and from the looks of things, we’re losing … badly.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

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