Out of the Mouths of Babes

We dare you to read this!

by Sean Carter
08/16/04

In my continuing effort to avoid gainful employment, I constantly search the wire services for offbeat legal stories. Fortunately, I never have to look far as our judges, lawyers, police officers and criminals seem to make a pretty good case against evolution. Sadly, most of what goes on in our courts is just plain childish and if you don’t believe me, just consider the following case from last week.

In Nebraska, two men were arrested for public indecency and disorderly conduct after walking through a Wal-Mart wearing nothing but women’s thong underwear and their t-shirts. The two men purchased the underwear, went into a bathroom, put them on and then walked through the store. However, they didn’t walk fast enough and were nabbed by police officers in the parking lot.

When asked why they would pull such a silly stunt, one of the men answered … and no, I’m not kidding … he had been “triple-dog dared.” Now, please understand that the two men in question here are 35 and 36 years old respectively. Yet, despite seven decades of life experience between them, they’re still susceptible to the infamous “triple-dog dare.”

However, if this wasn’t childish enough, consider that the authorities in Nebraska have decided NOT to charge these men. Apparently, in the Cornhusker State, the “triple-dog dare” defense is a valid defense to a crime. I haven’t been able to determine if the “double-dog dare” or “single-dog dare” have the same legal effect but I’m checking into it.

Seriously, this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since my wife suggested that we have a third child (“Come on, baby. How much work could an extra child be?”). A dare shouldn’t be a defense to a crime, even a minor one. In fact, if you commit a crime on a dare, you should get the maximum sentence under the law just for the principle of the thing.

In fact, what’s next in Nebraska? Are authorities there going to start allowing other childhood defenses? For instance, is a drunk driver going to be able to claim that “everybody’s doing it”? Or will polluters be allowed to deny their actions by using the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” defense?

If Nebraska keeps this up, it’s going to be the laughing stock of the country (I know, too late). It will also see a huge influx of people trying to have their cases moved there. For example, I could easily see Ken Lay asking to have his upcoming trial moved to Nebraska. His lawyer’s closing arguments would probably go something like: “As we all know, ‘finder’s keepers, loser’s weepers.’ My client just happened to find all of the money that the employees lost in their pension. Therefore, I say to you, ‘Alley, alley, oxen free free free!’”

And while we all must appreciated the innocence of youth – the innocence that allows for the belief in such fantasies as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and a viable third party candidate, we must draw the line between youthful exuberance and just plain childishness. And running through a Wal-Mart in ladies underwear on a dare is just plain childish; unless, of course, it’s in response to a “quadruple-dog dare.”

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

www.lawpsided.com