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Who Says There's No Monkey Business Going on in the Law?Keep abreast of this lawsuit!by Sean Carter Whoever said that the truth is stranger than fiction was obviously referring to our legal system. This was illustrated once again last month when the Gorilla Foundation was hit with two separate sexual harassment lawsuits. What makes these cases so interesting is that the sexual harassment allegedly took place at the hands of a gorilla. According to the plaintiffs, the world famous female gorilla Koko has a thing for women's breasts and she isn't shy about letting her desires be known. In one instance, plaintiff Iris Rivera was meeting Koko for the first time when allegedly the foundation's president, Francine Patterson, told Rivera that Koko was signing "I want to see your nipples." According to the complaint, Rivera reluctantly complied and Patterson then exclaimed, "Oh look, Koko, she has big nipples!" Now, perhaps it's just me, but judging from Patterson's alleged reaction, Koko may not be the only female at the Gorilla Foundation with a thing for women's breasts. In fact, I'm starting to wonder whether the idea for topless assistants was really Koko's idea in the first place. After all, this is a highly trained primate. Surely, in her decades of interaction with human beings, she'd have learned enough to know that you just can't ask a woman to show you her breasts; unless, of course, it's Spring Break or Mardi Gras. Who taught this gorilla her social graces? Howard Stern? An even more interesting question is whether Koko will be allowed to testify at trial. Ordinarily, we restrict courtroom witnesses to human beings (and corporate executives). However, Koko, who has an astonishing 1,000-word American Sign Language vocabulary, is far more articulate than most courtroom witnesses. If we let Mike Tyson testify in court, why not Koko? Furthermore, since she is the only one who can really expose the truth here, I suggest we give her a shot. In fact, I can't wait to see Koko's cross-examination at trial. Lawyer: "Koko, on July 2, 2004, did you ask to see my client's nipples?" Koko: "How should I know what date it was? It's not like they put a calendar in my cage. Until a minute ago, I thought it was still 1982. By the way, who shot J.R.?" Lawyer: "Well, forget about the exact date. Did you ever ask to see my client's nipples?" Koko: "Of course not. Who do I look like - Howard Stern?" Lawyer: "So who asked to see my client's nipples?" Koko: "How should I know? I was asking for a pepperoni pizza and the next thing you know, some crazy woman starts ripping her top off!" Lawyer: "Do you think Ms. Patterson was the one who made the request?" Koko: "It's possible. I've always suspected that she was a lesbian." Lawyer: "Why is that, Koko?" Koko: "Just look at her sitting over there! She has the fashion sense of a coal miner, and the same general physique. If she were any more lesbian, she'd have her own daytime talk show." Lawyer: "Well, I think that will be all for now, Koko, unless you have something else to add." Koko: "I do. Get me out of this damn cage!" ________________________________ Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:
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