Damned if They Stink, Damned if They Don't

Rules that make no scents

by Sean Carter
05/01/05

When did we become such wimps in this country? Once upon a time, we were tough. A century ago, the average American worker spent all day in a coal mine, only to emerge in the evening to chain smoke unfiltered cigarettes, except when she was pregnant. In that case, she would smoke filtered cigarettes. And guess what? No one complained about secondhand smoke or black lung either. They simply took their early deaths like a man…a Marlboro man.

Well, those days are long gone in America. In the 21st Century, everyone is hypersensitive about the air they breathe. They complain about pollution, smog and secondhand smoke. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that people have begun to complain about body odor.

Just this month, officials in San Luis Obispo, California, passed a law banning people with “offensive body odor” from the public libraries. I found this development remarkable for two reasons.

First of all, I didn’t realize that we actually still had physical libraries in America. After all, with the proliferation of high speed Internet service, who’s taking the time to trek down to the library to leaf through 30-year-old reference materials when they can get the latest news, weather and porn in the privacy of their own cubicle at work?

Second, has it really come to this? Are we now so sensitive that we can’t stand a little B.O.? Have I missed some study that links secondhand B.O. to skin cancer or gingivitis or something?

Besides, we all know that this ban is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. It’s just a matter of time before someone challenges the ordinance, claiming that it violates their constitutional right to stink. After all, the First Amendment protects the freedom of expression and body odor is a definitely a form of expression. At the very least, it says, “Hey, I need a bath!”

And if that’s not bad enough, some people are even complaining about people who smell too good. Recently, the city of Norwalk found itself facing a lawsuit because workers in its town’s clerk’s office actually wear perfume and cologne. How dare they?

Seriously, in 2002, a town worker, Linda Gorman, lodged a complaint that one of her co-workers was making her sick with his cologne. Before long, her boss instituted a policy that no one could wear any colognes, perfumes, deodorants or body lotions that could be detected within five feet of Gorman.

Even still, Gorman sued her employer under the ADA (Americans can Demand Anything) law. She claims that her fellow employees continue to “torture” her with their aromatic scents. As a result, she’s entitled to an unspecific amount in damages (i.e., MILLIONS).

Now, I hate to be the one to break this news, but life is full of smells. Some good (a newborn baby), some bad (a newborn baby who’s eaten chili), and some neutral (a newborn baby who’s eaten chili…after you’ve stuffed cotton balls up your nose). It’s just the price we pay for having noses.

Therefore, the next time, you’re confronted with an unpleasant odor and feel the urge to complain, think back to our forefathers and foremothers. These rugged men and women lived by a simple credo: “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.” We’d be wise to do the same.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

www.lawpsided.com