New Year’s Resolutions for Other People

The 2006 Edition

For those of you who haven’t seen this (or for some of you who did and don’t want to remember), I like to do New Year’s resolutions for other people. Why? Because I suck at setting and keeping them for myself. Not to mention, it makes for a really easy column to write during at time of the year when I drink like Ted Kennedy on spring break.

So, here is my list of New Year’s resolutions for other people, in no particular order.

For President George W. Bush, I resolve that you spend more time being assertive about why the Iraq war was worth it. You’ve seen Democrats misquote you, misstate the reasons for going to war, and misdirect people away from the elections in Iraq, and you’ve done nothing. Dude, this is your legacy. Defend it!

For Vice President Dick Cheney, I resolve that you help the Republicans find and vet a candidate for President in 2008. Nothing against you, but you’re not the man to beat in 2008. You’ve served your country being the President’s right hand man for two terms. And you’re a lot more exciting than Al Gore. But think long term and help the RNC pick a good man or woman.

For DNC Chairman Howard Dean, I resolve that you stop smoking whatever it is you have been since 2005 and start thinking of the future of your party. I am honestly disappointed in you. Not only are you losing the fundraising battle (something you did very well as a candidate), but you’re losing the battle of voters. Your party is on the verge of being more irrelevant than the forward to Monica Lewinsky’s book. Shape up, would ya?

For Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, I resolve that you get a backbone! You’re turning into a younger version of Trent Lott with your lack of leadership when the “Gang of 14” treated you like the prisoners treated a new guy on “Oz.” That wouldn’t have happened if you had guts and leadership.

For Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, I resolve that you work together to moderate your personalities. Reid is too milquetoast and Pelosi is too brusque. If Reid could teach Pelosi to be less of an attack dog and Pelosi could teach Reid to at least show some emotion, the Democrats might fare better.

For the “Gang of 14” who gave us one of the worst deals since the Boston Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, I resolve that you all sit down, shut up, and not talk to the media or deal with one another for a year, or until you bozos get voted out of office, whichever comes first. And I hope it’s the latter.

For Air America, I resolve that you make amends for all the stuff you’ve done in 2005, like not paying people, messing up employee benefits, and, oh yeah, stealing money from a charity to stay on the air. Remember, Karma paybacks are nastier than Eminem with Tourettes.

For Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you make up your mind on the war in Iraq. Are you for it? Against it? Ambivalent towards it? I know you’re trying to court voters on both sides for your 2008 run, but while you’re playing politics, men and women are dying for us. The least you can do is pick a side.

For Terrell Owens, I resolve that you see a doctor to figure out why you have diaper rash as an adult. I know babies who don’t cry as much as you do.

For Michael Moore, I resolve that you look up what the word "documentary" means because you simply aren't clear on that concept.

For Cindy Sheehan, I resolve that you get a watch because your 15 minutes of fame has been over a long time ago.

For the Chicago Cubs, I resolve that you win a World Series before I die. C'mon, give a Cubs fan a break! I'm not getting any younger, and if the Boston Red Sox can do it, you can!

For the Des Moines chapter of Drinking Liberally, I resolve that you continue to build your membership. Getting to know you folks has been great and, even though we disagree on a lot, the fact you guys have let me be part of your group speaks volumes about the kind of people you are. (And I promise not to inundate you with my columns so often in 2006.)

For the men and women serving in our armed forces, I resolve that you come home safe as quickly as possible and that you be afforded the respect you deserve. Talk about a thankless job! Yet, you do it so people like me can sit on our duffs and speak our minds in safety. Thank you for everything.

For the staff and contributors to CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you continue to put out top-notch work like you have been in the past year. I don't get a chance to say it in such a public forum that often, but I will do it now. Without you, the site would not be as great as it is.

And finally, for the readers of CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you are never afraid to let me know what works or doesn't work on the site. Without you, I don't have a job on the site. So, I'm at your mercy. Tell me what to do and I'll be your performing monkey. And I might not even charge you for it!

I wish you all a happy and prosperous 2006.

And that's the Bottom Line.

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