Extreme Makeover: Campaign Edition

Free advice for the potential leader of the free world

Ah, New Year’s Eve. Remember all the fun you had looking at the past year and deciding on what you were going to do this year to make your life better? (If you can, you weren’t at the party I was. We drank like it was St. Patrick’s Day at the Kennedy Compound.) In many cases, the resolutions revolve around personal image and how we look to others. And who cares the most about how such things?

Politicians.

In looking over the current crop of candidates for President, I noticed there was a lot of work to be done. And considering I was named one of Barbara Walters’s 10 least interesting people of 2007, I know a thing or two about image. So, I’m offering some of the candidates all the help I can give them to help them stand out from the rest of the pack.

Hillary Clinton: Let’s face it, Hill, you have a bad public image. Your biggest problems are that you are seen as indecisive, dishonest, and distant. Although this makes you perfect for the U. S. Senate, these will kill you on the campaign trail. To help you, I’ve come up with a political ad to turn those negatives into positives. Picture if you will a series of pictures of people looking confused. Then, an announcer says, “Confused about how to vote this year?” Then, the scene flashes to a still picture of you smiling. The announcer continues, “So is she.” The finale: “Hillary Clinton: Just like you.”

Barack Obama: A Los Angeles Times columnist called you “Barack the Magic Negro” a couple of months ago to deride you. If that isn’t an excuse to start doing magic tricks while giving your stump speech, I don’t know what is! Imagine the cheers and gasps from the crowd as you sawed a lovely female assistant in half while talking about what cuts you would make to the federal deficit. I’m telling ya, the people would be eating right out of your hand!

John Edwards: This one’s going to be tough. How can you make a trial lawyer with the smarmy charm of a used car salesman attractive? Start touring again with John Kerry. Let him warm up the crowd by giving a 10-15 minute dissertation on voter fraud in 2004 and throw in a number of references to his being in Vietnam and the people will be begging for you to come on and speak to them. To paraphrase something your hairdressers have seen on shampoo bottles, you could call it the “Blather, Wince, Repeat” strategy.

Mitt Romney: Sure, you seem like you have everything under control, but even you could do with an image makeover. Pundits have compared you to a Ken doll, and it’s not hard to see why. If Ken didn’t love his Starbucks in the morning, he could pass for you. But therein lies the way to remake your image. You need to separate yourself from your plastic counterpart, and I have the way to do it. Your new slogan: “Mitt Romney: Ready to Lead AND Anatomically Correct!”

Rudy Giuliani: Marital infidelity. Multiple scandals while in office. Social liberalism. Not exactly the best trifecta to have for a Republican candidate to have, but we can turn those negatives into positives by playing up the comparison to Bill Clinton. Imagine the slogan “If you liked Bill Clinton, you’ll love Rudy Giuliani” on a billboard. Heck, play up the comparison and come on stage with a cigar and an intern wearing a beret and a blue dress. And the Clintonites can’t say a thing about it, which makes you pretty much unstoppable in the general election.

Mike Huckabee: Dude, just because you’re in the same family doesn’t mean you have to wear matching clothes for a family picture. Drop out of politics and open up a national chain of TGIFriday’s-style restaurants called Huckabee's. Oh, and if you stay in politics and someone asks you about the son who was fired by the Boy Scouts for choking a dog, tell them you were going for the Michael Vick endorsement.

Fred Thompson: Your image is perfect the way it is. Now would you quit glaring at me like you’re going to punch me???

Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich: You may be wondering why I put you two together, considering you’re at opposite sides of the political divide. My plan for you both is to join forces and tour the country together. You’re practically photo negatives of each other as it is, so why not combine forces? And the upside is that collectively you’ll be able to break 0.0000000000001% in the polls! Talk about a surge!

Although many “image consultants” charge tons of money to help the rich and famous, I won’t charge you candidates a dime. And after reviewing my suggestions, you might still complain about paying too much.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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