Take This Job and Shove It

Throwing my hat out of the ring

I have an important announcement to make. I’ve talked long and hard with my family and friends about the implications of this decision and they all support my decision.

I will not seek the Presidency in 2008.

By the way, that sound you hear is a collective “Whew!” coming up from around the world. Sure, I have more charisma and common sense than Joe Biden and I’ve done as much as Sam Brownback, who we all know is famous for…that thing he did that one time with that other guy. You know, the guy who always wore pants? But after careful reflection, I’ve decided that I’m not qualified to be President in 2008.

The minimum age to be President is 35. Right now I’m 37, so I meet the age requirement, but I don’t meet an important requirement: I don’t want the gig.

What separates me from a Hillary Clinton or a John McCain is that I don’t have a burning desire to be President. (That, and I look horrible in pantsuits and I’m not completely insane. And I’m even less like Hillary.) Having the press hound my every decision, having my opponents call me everything from evil to dumb to Dennis Kucinich’s love child, and the ever-present stress of being able to launch a nuclear attack with a mere press of a button? You’d do better to let a potted plant run the country. Then again, we almost did elect Al Gore.

Another reason I wouldn’t be a good President is that I’d get a lot of people mad at me. I’m not strictly a party guy. I prefer to take a stance based not on what looks good to the base, but what is good for the country. Abortion, illegal immigration, the war on terrorism, every issue that could possibly come across my desk would turn into a public relations headache. And after Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, I’d prefer to give the White House spin doctors a break.

I wouldn’t be a very good campaigner for that same reason. I can just picture the rally where I’d announce my intention to run for President…

My fellow Americans, John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” I want to restore that ideal to America by being your next President. It’s going to require every American to pitch in and work hard to improve the world around them…[Sound of people stampeding out of the venue and driving off as quickly as they can] Hey, where is everybody going? I have punch and cookies in the back…

I guarantee it would be the first time in American political history that a candidate announced his entrance and his withdrawal from the Presidential race within minutes of each other.

There is one final reason that I wouldn’t ever seek the Presidency. As I noted on my blog, the quality of people running for President has declined significantly, as have the people who have won it in recent years. Since the rise of “Camelot” with John F. Kennedy in the 60s to the fall of John F. Kerry in 2004, we’ve been lucky to score one or two Presidents worth much. Sure, the watered down quality of Lyndon Johnson to Jimmy Carter made us appreciate Ronald Reagan that much more, but since Reagan, we’re hard-pressed to find a President who is worthy of our respect.

And you think electing me would change that? I’d be lucky to last a week as President without being impeached for being mentally incapable of fulfilling the duties of President. Fortunately, I’m sure my Vice President, Dustin “Screech” Diamond, will bring dignity and honor back to Washington, DC. I’m not sure how, exactly…

So, you won’t have to worry about me leaving my home office for the Oval Office anytime soon. It’s not that I don’t want to help the country. It’s just that I think I’d do better helping the country by being nowhere near the halls of power except as a tourist. Even then, I’d insist upon having a security detail follow me around to make sure I don’t do anything crazy, like giving a stump speech about the need for better schools, a stronger national defense, and Hooters Girls as White House Interns.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

Archives of "The Bottom Line"

Send an e mail to Thomas Lindaman

Check out Thomas's blog: The Bottom Line Blog