Eight Simple Rules for Taxing My Country

Giving the new guy some help

It’s time for my annual plea for tax sanity, but this year’s plea is going to be a little different. With a new President comes a new group of people who haven’t had an opportunity to read my columns. However, I do know the Obama Administration is reading my columns because I was emailed a dead fish from Rahm Emanuel last week.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, I’m going to offer some advice to the Obama Administration so that they not only get an idea of what I’m looking for in tax policy, but so they can ease into my columns. And if you’re not already familiar with my particular blend of politics, humor, and cries for professional psychiatric help, it can be off-putting to say the least.

Anyway, here are my eight simple rules for taxing my country.

1) Know who is paying taxes. This isn’t just a good idea for picking appointees for open Cabinet posts. Knowing who is paying taxes will give you an idea of where the revenue is coming from for any spending you want to propose. Although not every American pays income taxes, it’s not a good idea to ignore those who don’t in favor of those who do, and vice versa. Loading up one side of the tax equation to try to help the other leads to animosity, class warfare, and, worse yet, sitcoms about poor people hitting the Ultra Mega Humungous Super Lotto jackpot and moving to Beverly Hills.

2) Know how much they pay in taxes. This is a corollary to the first rule, but it’s no less important. Right now, the bulk of the income tax burden falls on the rich to the tune of 60%+ being paid by the top 1%. Although you may think it’s keen for this to happen, let me clue you in on a little secret. If the rich in this country decide to leave, they don’t pay income taxes, which means that nifty little universal health care plan you have goes the way of Dennis Kucinich’s bid for the Presidency of anything more than his local Star Trek fan club. Keep that in mind the next time you think “the rich aren’t paying their fair share.” And while you’re at it, check with the Kennedys to see how many deductions they took.

3) Know there the tax funds are going. I know Congress is technically the ones who are supposed to spend the money, but given their accounting practices since the 1960s, I’d say you’d be better off hiring Arthur Andersen to do balance the federal checkbook than to let Congress do it. This rule also helps to clarify why some people aren’t on board with the proposed spending from the Pork-A-Palooza bill. And let’s be frank here, Mr. President. (Okay, you can still be Barack, but I’ll be Frank, okay?) For all of your rhetorical gifts, your Administration and you personally did a horrible job in selling the Pork-A-Palooza spending as necessary. Maybe it’s because…oh, I don’t know…it was pretty much indefensible? I’m just sayin’…

4) Understand the impact of your tax policy. This is a rule that I’ve seen Republican and Democrat Presidents break more frequently than balsa wood furniture at Michael Moore’s house when he’s having a dizzy spell. It’s not just important to understand that you’re taking a certain stance on tax policy, it’s also important that you understand why and what impact that stance will have on the rest of the country. If you raise taxes too much on the rich, they will find ways to circumvent your proposed taxes, leaving the burden to be paid for by the people you were trying to help in the first place. And I don’t think saying “I screwed up” will cut it this time, Mr. President.

5) Fix the tax code. Right now, there are more holes in the tax code than the plot of a Jessica Simpson murder mystery. Or the plot of “The Dukes of Hazzard” for that matter. If you really want to make a positive impact on the country, the first thing you can do is suggest that the tax code be overhauled and simplified. Of course, this will anger the tax preparation lobby, but it would make for a pretty nifty White House souvenir idea: “I Simplified the Tax Code and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”

6) Think economically, not politically. As odd as it sounds coming from a political commentator like myself, the current tax situation is not something that should be used as a political football. (Granted, it would be even odder coming from one of the stars from “High School Musical 398,” but I digress.) Like it or not, your decisions are going to impact millions of Americans in one way or another, including more than a few people from your own party hoping for reelection in 2010. Raising taxes on the rich may win you and your party political points, but it may not be sound fiscal policy. Likewise, if taxes are cut too much for the rich, your political base will get mad at you (mainly because they’re not rich enough to qualify for the tax cuts). At this point, I would advise you to look beyond helping Democrats win more seats in the House in 2010 and look towards helping Joe Sixpack keep a seat in his own house. (And, no, he’s not related to Joe the Plumber.)

7) Be prepared for criticism. No matter what action you take, you’ll anger somebody. a tax policy, you’ll have to take a firm stance and not waver because of the slings and arrows of outrageous partisanship. Sometimes a leader can’t be popular, but it doesn’t mean he or she isn’t a leader. It just means he or she has to take a few punches to find the opening to land the knockout punch that wins the title fight. And if that doesn’t work, bite your opponent’s ear like Mike Tyson did.

And my final rule:

8) Don’t audit me, bro.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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