Party On!

Throw the bums out…and put in new bums!

Whether it’s my friends at the Des Moines chapter of Drinking Liberally or my conservative friends during a night on the town, there seems to be a general feeling that the political parties we have now just aren’t getting the job done. They don’t listen to us, they give themselves more money for doing less than John Kerry in a coma, and they spend our money without any consideration to what the price tag might be. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Paris Hilton was running the country.

So, what do we do about it? If you’re like me, you have a couple of adult beverages. And it was during this process of getting loose that I let loose my imagination. The idea hit me like a bolt of lightning. (Well, it was either that or an actual bolt of lightning, since I was drinking outside at the time. Not advisable to get drunk outside during a thunderstorm, kids.) I would start my own political party!

This was no easy process, though. For a new political party to get off the ground, it must have an idea of what it stands for. I’m a classic liberal, so I would want my party to respect the right of the individual to do as he or she pleases so long as it doesn’t harm another person or infringe upon that person’s rights. On the other side, I am more conservative when it comes to economic and military issues. Eventually, I decided that my new political party would combine the best of both words. It would be the Republican Party with a 2 drink minimum.

Why 2 drinks? Two reasons. One, I’ve found that after I have two adult beverages, I’m pretty agreeable and more willing to do right by everyone involved. Like this one time in band camp…oh, wait, that was a movie. Nevermind…but it might explain why I’m fascinated by flutists. And, two, most respectable drinking establishments and nightclubs have a 2 drink minimum, and if I want to get this party off the ground, alcohol is a must, so I don’t want to torque off people who would let us have party meetings at their establishments provided we get nice and soused.

Next, we need a catchy name, one that isn’t being used right now. Although “The Republican Party With A Two Drink Minimum” is catchy and tells exactly what we stand for, it would be too easy to get it confused with the Republican Party on a ballot. And if there’s anything I learned from Election 2000, it’s that many Palm Beach County voters get baffled by a straight line, so we want to reduce confusion as much as possible. So, I decided on the Swingin’ Party. (Hey, it’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to.)

Now, we need a symbol. This was easy. Since we’re a party that doesn’t want to do much to anybody else and enjoys a stiff belt, the Swingin’ Party symbol is a sloth in a lounge-lizardy tuxedo jacket holding a martini glass. And it coincides with truth in advertising laws.

At this point, you may be wondering what our platform is. I haven’t quite figured out all the details yet, but here’s what I have so far.

The Constitution: Love it. Gonna keep it.

National Security: Love it. Keeping it strong if only to protect the hooch.

Foreign Policy: We’re only going to work with people who like hanging out with us. You don’t like us? You ain’t getting our money, and you ain’t getting invited to our barbeques.

Education: It’s important that we teach children important subjects. History. Music. How to mix drinks.

The Environment: Stop whining about global warming. Frank Sinatra only cared about the temperature of two things: his coffee, and his booze. And if the Chairman of the Board didn't worry about the temperature of the planet going up by 0.0000000000000000000000001 degrees, we shouldn't either.

Welfare: We need to reform the Welfare system by getting as many people as possible into paying jobs. If I have to work to pay for my booze, everybody has to.

Economic Policy: To keep the economy going strong, I’ve come up with an innovative plan. We’re turning in empties.

Government Waste: I’m doing away with “miscellaneous” expenditures. If you’re spending a million dollars you can’t account for, I’m assuming it’s for booze and you’re going to get less money because you didn’t share.

So, that’s my political party so far. If you’re interested in joining, email me or catch me at my next Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I’ll be the one handing out campaign literature.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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