The Mickey Mouse Revolution

Changing the country, one cartoon character at a time

It’s official. I’m done with Democrats and repulsed by Republicans, especially in Congress. I didn’t have that high an opinion of Congress to begin with. I mean, any body of government that allows nozzleheads like Maxine Waters and Lindsey Graham to have a job without being under adult supervision can’t be that great. I’ve set the bar so low for Congress that anybody short of Satan, Osama Bin Laden, or David Hasselhoff would be saints compared to our elected officials.

And then Congress managed to limbo under that bar with plenty of room to spare.

The recent situation involving Louisiana Representative William Jefferson made me realize that it’s time to dump our Congressional representatives. Jefferson is under investigation for allegedly taking $400,000 in bribes to promote Internet technology in west Africa. This is a curious move, in my opinion. Most of Africa has problems with internal fighting, lack of food and drinkable water, and a growing AIDS epidemic, and we want to give them Internet access. Isn’t that like ignoring a gaping chest wound after being shot at point blank range with a shotgun and asking the victim if he’s interested in vinyl siding?

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has urged Jefferson to step down from the House Ways and Means Committee, stating in a letter that he should resign from the committee “in the interest of upholding the high ethical standard of the House Democratic Caucus.” So far, Jefferson has refused.

Where this story gets interesting is watching Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert put in his two cents’ worth. Hastert has said the Justice Department raid on Jefferson’s office is unconstitutional because, get this, it violates the separation of powers laid out in the Constitution. Other Republicans, such as House Majority Leader John Boehner of Ohio, called the raid an “invasion of the legislative branch.”

Maybe these guys didn’t get the memo, but taking a bribe is against the law. I don’t know which is funnier: Pelosi talking about the “high ethical standard of the House Democratic Caucus” or Hastert and Boehner defending law-breaking. Actually, I take that back. I do know which is funnier, and it’s Pelosi.

As you might guess, I’m a little peeved. Republicans are spending money like a drunken sailor (but enough about Ted Kennedy), and Democrats still haven’t figured out how to paint themselves as a viable alternative. So, we’re left with voting for Representative Scumbag or Challenger Scumbucket in November. Not exactly like voting for Katherine or Taylor on “American Idol,” is it?

The Libertarians suggested a possible way out of this mess. For years, they’ve pushed for the addition of a different option on every ballot, one that reads NOTA, which stands for “None Of The Above.” If you thought none of the candidates on the ballot deserved your vote, you could simply check NOTA and express your lack of confidence in the hopes others would follow suit. It’s a good idea, but I don’t think it sends that strong a message. We need something that declares unequivocally that we don’t like any of the bozos running for the office.

And that way is to write in cartoon characters.

This idea isn’t new by any stretch of the imagination. People have written in Mickey Mouse’s name when they didn’t like any of the candidates. (The surprising thing is that he hasn’t won an election yet. Maybe we need a Congressional investigation on The Man keeping the Mouse down!)

But where my idea is different is that I’m not suggesting that a few people do it; I want every American, Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative, who is utterly disgusted by the way Congress is being run today to do it. Imagine the shock on Election Night when Mickey Mouse blows out the other candidates. Imagine the newsreaders on CNN having to announce that an incumbent has been unseated and we now have Representative Bullwinkle J. Moose. And considering we’ve already had Gopher from “The Love Boat” and Cooter from “The Dukes of Hazzard” as Representatives, Rep. Bullwinkle from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota isn’t that farfetched. Imagine all the people living for today…no, wait, that’s a John Lennon song. Nevermind.

But most importantly, imagine the shock that the candidates would feel knowing that they couldn’t defeat people and animals that don’t really exist. That’s a huge step below being beaten by a dead man. Then again, it would make for a lot of people qualified to be Attorney General in the Bush Administration. If we were to stage this cartoon de tat as it were, Congress would finally be accountable to the voters again and we would start to see progress towards rebuilding this country.

Either that, or we’d hear “Senator Goofy” and not think of John McCain.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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