Ad It Up

A guide to political ads

There are a number of events that mark the end of summer. Labor Day weekend. Back to school specials at retail stores. Unexpected break outs of the Happy Dance as parents watch their children go back to school. And every two years, like Puxatony Phil, candidates running for public office see their shadows and run for 9-10 more weeks.

With this changing of the seasons as it were comes wall-to-wall campaign ads on radio and television. Although they sound alike, there are differences that must be considered before hitting the Scan button on your radio hoping for anything other than a political ad. Then again, that’s how I developed my love for techno-funk-disco-polka.

The first type of ad is the ones we’re most familiar with: the ones directly from the campaigns. Although these used to feature positive elements of the candidates, these days, you’re more likely to hear something along these lines:

War. Destruction. Starvation. George W. Bush’s reckless foreign policy has created an unstable world, and Jack Johnson supports it. In 2004, Johnson supported a resolution about picking up dog poop on our city streets. When is he going to pick up the foreign policy dog poop George W. Bush left behind?

John Jackson has a plan to save America, protect our interests, and get dog poop off the streets without taking us into an unnecessary war for oil.

I’m John Jackson, and I approved this message.

And that was just for an election for school custodian!

The rules for these types of ads are pretty strict. They have to actually state who they’re representing and can’t simply be an attack ad on the other person. As you can see from the “example” provided above, that definition gets stretched more than the Lycra in Rosie O’Donnell’s jogging shorts. Wait, that’s not very nice. I apologize to Rosie for suggesting she jogs.

The other type of ad comes from the wonderful world of special interest groups and are called “issue ads.” Instead of focusing on a particular candidate, these ads focus on an issue, most of which are merely a smokescreen to hide that they favor one candidate over another. They tend to be along these lines:

Gas prices are going through the roof. Families are finding it harder to make ends meet. We need renewable energy sources that are safe for the environment, like the Converting Dog Poop to Energy Bill currently before Congress. But some politicians don’t like a cleaner environment and are trying to block the bill’s passage. Call Representative Jack Johnson and tell him to vote in favor of the Converting Dog Poop to Energy Bill.

This ad is paid for by Citizens Obsessed With Dog Poop and is responsible for the content of this ad. The group does not endorse a candidate…oh, who are we kidding? We’re in John Jackson’s back pocket so deep, our bodies are covered with lint.

Of course, this is only an example. The real ads wouldn’t be so honest about their intentions.

Now, there’s a third type of ad that may become more commonplace after this election. By now you’ve seen or heard the video…no, not that one…of Paris Hilton poking fun at John McCain using her in a campaign ad. It was a funny ad with important messages that voters need to know: Paris Hilton has a better energy plan than Barack Obama, John McCain is an “old wrinkly dude,” and Paris is hot. Given the good buzz around the Hilton ad, don’t be surprised if you see more celebrity endorsements of political candidates being turned into campaign commercials. And, really, who wouldn’t want the wise, guiding hand of Gavin MacLeod from “The Love Boat” helping us steer through the treacherous waters of the political scene? Thank you, Captain Stubing!

Hopefully this guide to political ads will help you recognize the types of ads you’ll be seeing and hearing ad nauseum for the next couple of months. Only by recognizing them can we realize just how full of crap these ads are and make our decisions based on other, more trustworthy media. Like CommonConservative.com.

I’m Thomas Lindaman, and I approved this message.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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