Dupes and (Conspiracy) Nuts

The Lame Gunmen take on 9/11

In the five years since 9/11, I’ve learned quite a few things. I’ve learned how much I love this country. I’ve learned more about Muslims and why some hate us while others don’t. I’ve learned never to show up at an airport security checkpoint wearing only a trenchcoat, an Army helmet, and a pair of hot pink Chuck Taylors.

But within the past year or two, I’ve learned there are a lot of people who don’t buy the government’s, the media’s, and the majority of the thinking world’s explanation of what happened on September 11th. At first, I thought it was funny and oddly cute in a psychotic way, but now I’m starting to see conspiracy theories that are less credible than the source citations in a Kitty Kelly biography.

I can understand the attraction between conspiracies and the kooks who love them. We humans don’t know everything, and those who do are either lying to you or charging $3.95 a minute to lie to you. When something big like 9/11 happens, we’re thrown for a loop because it throws us into incredible uncertainty, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our nice, tidy little view of the world. Eventually, people start to make sense of it all and find the answers they seek.

But not everyone is like that. Some people prefer to find “the truth” on their own, asking questions that seemingly don’t have rational answers, like “How do the Wayans Brothers keep getting paid to make crappy movies like ‘Little Man’?” In these deep, dark corner basements of the world, conspiracy theories rule, and the more elaborate the better. If you can find proof that Britney Spears was hired by the Bush Administration to distract pollsters in Florida by singing sexy versions of Slim Whitman classics, thus rewarding her for helping break up N’Sync before it could inspire young girls to vote Democrat, you’d be a superstar in conspiracy theorist circles. Well, that, or you’d be tapped to be a Democrat political strategist.

Right now, there are two predominant conspiracy theories regarding 9/11. One, the government blew up the Twin Towers to start a war with Iraq. Two, the Jews blew up the Twin Towers to get America to eliminate its enemies in the Middle East. The people who push either one of these theories have quick access to facts that help to “prove” their point while calling anyone who disagrees with them “dupes.” Come to think of it, that’s pretty much what I do….

Let’s tackle the “Bush Administration planned 9/11” theory first. Although it’s been bandied about that Franklin Roosevelt knew about Pearl Harbor and let it happen so that we could enter World War II, I don’t think George W. Bush could do the same, thanks to the 24/7 media. If Bush sneezes, there will most likely be a camera crew there with spots like “Is Bush’s Health Failing?” or “Bush Unleashes Virus On World.” If Bush were to do anything that even smelled of conspiracy, the media (who, by the way, are not exactly Bush supporters) would be all over it and splash it across the front pages. I don’t believe for a second that the media would help Bush cover up a news story this big if it were true. Besides, they have to cover really important stories, like trying to get pictures of TomKat’s baby girl!

And here’s something else to consider. If 9/11 really was an attempt to get America into a war with Iraq, wouldn’t the terrorists have been Iraqis? Wouldn’t we have attacked Iraq first instead of going into Afghanistan? Have you ever kissed a girl that wasn’t related to you in some way?

If the media couldn’t find proof of the Bush Administration taking down the Twin Towers, what makes you think some pasty-faced loon living in his parents’ basement could?

By now, the tinfoil hat crowd is saying, “Where’s the wreckage from the plane flying into the Pentagon?” Let me put it to you this way. When a metal plane hits a heavily fortified building, like say the Pentagon, it isn’t like a car wreck. There’s the speed of the plane when it hit, the burning of airplane fuel, and the lack of a “crumple zone” on the plane to consider. Most likely, the plane pretty much split like a pair of too-tight jeans on Rosie O’Donnell. And when that happens, there’s no wreckage.

Now, onto the “Jews planned 9/11” theory. The first question I have is what would their motivation be. To start a war to wipe out their enemies? Israel is already hated by the international community as it is. Starting a war doesn’t get you put at the top of the UN’s Christmas card list (or in this case, Chanukah card list). Not to mention, the law of averages says there might be some Jews in New York City’s financial district, and I’m sure they might just have worked in either of the Twin Towers. Do you think Israel would have launched an attack on the World Trade Center knowing they might be killing their own people? Besides, there has already been one anti-Jewish 9/11 conspiracy theory about Jews being told not to go to work on 9/11 that has been debunked. I call this Anti-Jew 9/11 Conspiracy Theory 2.0. And once this one gets debunked, version 3.0 will be out shortly and we’ll have to explain all of this all over again.

Instead of trying to connect imaginary dots that only they can see, conspiracy theorists would be better served by connecting the dots that are there. The hijackers of the planes that hit the Twin Towers and the Pentagon didn’t look like Americans or Jews. They looked like, now follow me here, Middle Eastern men! And a little more digging shows they were…Muslims! And who has consistently been hip-deep in terrorist activities over the past couple of decades? Middle Eastern Muslim men! See? That’s how you connect the dots, kids. And this is something most rational people (most modern Democrats excluded) get. Now, put your deductive skills to better use.

On second thought, don’t. As masters of deductive reasoning, you make better 24 hour waffle house employees.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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