Kim Jong Be-Il-lin’
How to handle North Korea
With the recent news that North Korea tested a nuclear
weapon, the world is left asking one question: Will Samuel L.
Jackson sign on for a sequel to “Snakes on a Plane”?
Yes, our mindset towards North Korea’s nuclear program has
been…well, lacking. We’ve paid more attention to Anna
Nicole Smith than to Kim Jong Il. And judging from the size of
Smith’s…talent, I can see why.
As the situation in North Korea starts getting more tense, we
look to our political leaders for answers. President George W.
Bush has started talking tough, pushing for sanctions against
the country and saying the international community will react.
How? By letting us do everything and then complaining about what
we’re doing? Yeah, that’ll work, just like it’s
worked for the UN all these years.
Since Bush doesn’t have a good idea, what about the Democrats?
They’ve come out and blamed the President for his bad policy
towards North Korea, so naturally you’d think they have
a better plan. Given that both Bill Clinton and Madeline Albright
were tricked by Kim Jong Il into thinking the little guy was cooperating,
I’m not sure I can take the Democrats that seriously. It’s
like getting scammed in a game of One Card Monty.
So, who do we turn to for answers? Since you’re reading
my column, I guess I should come across with some. Fortunately,
I do have a few.
1) Let him try to launch a nuke. Without a doubt,
Kim Jong Il is the most delusional leader this side of Howard
Dean. He’s what would happen if Mao Tse Tung and Ross Perot
had a kid. (Okay, I’m going to need therapy after that analogy.)
He has a Napoleon complex to beat the band, so what does he do?
He’s trying to turn North Korea into a superpower. However,
there is one slight problem. Seems his missile technology is derived
from the same aerodynamic engineering that you can find in a balsa
wood toy airplane with a wind-up propeller and a rubber band.
If Kim Jong Il keeps that up, he’ll take himself out of
the picture.
2) Laugh at Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Il is also
an egotistical man. Anybody who is that ugly and has that many
picture of himself up in public has to be. Either that or he got
one heck of a deal through Olan Mills. The best way to handle
people like that is to mock him. I suggest we jam all radio and
television frequencies in North Korea and play “Team America:
World Police” on a continuous loop until Kim Jong Il plays
ball. Sure, he’ll get mad and stomp about, but what can
he do? He can’t launch a missile at us for the reason referenced
above, and he can’t just let it go. He’s in the ultimate
no-win situation. The only way to make it worse would be to make
him the new permanent co-host of “The View.”
3) Negotiate. I’m sure Kim Jong Il just
wants to talk, so why not give him an open forum to talk out our
differences in peace? GOTCHA! .
4) Hit North Korea where it hurts. Anybody can
order a tactical strike on a country and destroy valuable parts
of its infrastructure. The thing about that tactic is that infrastructure
can be rebuilt given time, money, materials, and manpower. What
isn’t as easy to recover is national pride. If we can get
the North Koreans to see Kim Jong Il as weak, goofy, and ineffective,
that would inspire them to take action. And I have just the thing
to make that happen. Replace all of Kim Jong Il’s wardrobe
with Jimmy Carter costumes.
5) Use the carrot and stick approach…with a twist.
Sometimes when you deal with people, you have to offer them an
incentive to get them to do what you want them to do. Kim Jong
Il seems to work on that principle. If we want him to work with
us in the future, maybe we could offer to let him have more access
to our nuclear technology. Of course, if I were in charge, that
technology would be in the form of a bomb dropped right on top
of Kim Jong Il, but that’s me…
And the ultimate solution to the North Korea problem…
6) Seven words: US Ambassador to North Korea Mark Foley.
And that’s the Bottom Line.
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