If It’s Broken, Break
It Some More!
Reforming elections, Lindaman
style
It was a sight more disturbing than walking in on
Michael Moore having sex with Cindy Sheehan and a border collie.
(The question would be whether Moore would be charged with two
counts of bestiality, but that’s a topic for another time.)
Bomb threats. Men punching each other and machinery. Mass deception.
No, I’m not talking about the last rap awards show. I’m
talking about Election 2006. America has been the electoral gold
standard for years, but the past three or four elections have
made me wonder whether it’s been fool’s gold. Don’t
get me wrong, I love how our elections are run in theory. Nowhere
else in the world can you get an opportunity to vote for which
person gets to screw you out of money while taking the first jet
to Aruba for a “fact-finding mission.”
Having said that, I think it’s time we take a hard look
at our election process before we start seeing campaign reporters
having to wear flak jackets and helmets just to cover a school
board election. Then again, if it’s good enough for Texas…
Arizona voted on a proposal to give a random voter $1 million,
but the people shot it down. This may be the first time people
have voted down the possibility of free money. Although it wasn’t
adopted, I think this is a good start, but I don’t think
it goes far enough. Here are some ideas I came up with to make
elections better and maybe even a little more fun.
1) Turn voting into a game show. Voting is a
right in this country, but not every vote is an informed one.
(Case in point: anyone who voted for Ralph Nader.) To change this,
we should consider adding an element of fun to learning about
the candidates and the process. Hence, the game show. We could
call it “Vote or No Vote” or “Who Wants to Be
a Voter?” The rules are very simple. Voters, called “contestants”
in this case, would answer a series of questions about the election
and our political process, as well as questions about pop culture.
If you get more pop culture questions right than political questions,
you don’t get to vote. And it shouldn’t be too hard
to do. Just rig up the touch-screen voting machines to ask questions
and we’ll be set!
2) Violence. Yeah, I know violence never solves
anything, but it’s often pretty darn fun. And in this case,
it would be really fun and it would serve a higher purpose. It
works a little like #1. A big, tough guy greets you at the door
of your polling place and asks you a civics question. If you get
it right, you get to pass. If you don't, you get the crap beaten
out of you. That alone should keep the uninformed voters away
from the polls. At the very least, it will provide endless hours
of entertainment for those who can answer the question right.
3) Bring back electioneering. Federal law prohibits
campaigning for a candidate or a party within 100 feet of a polling
place. It made sense back in the days when we had political machines
running things with iron fists, but it's the 21st Century. We're
getting automated calls and spam emails from political parties
on our cell phones, for the love of Pete! Let's get with the times
and allow electioneering. We're already walking billboards for
corporations, so why not allow politicians to get on the action?
And they will be able to utilize the same techniques for both
ad campaigns and political campaigns. Imagine walking into your
polling place and being seduced by a model wearing nothing but
strategically-placed campaign stickers and a smile. I know I'd
enjoy it. I may not remember who I voted for, though...
4) Turn the election into a reality show. Ever
see the Fox reality show “Unanimous”? If you haven’t,
the basic idea is that a group of people are locked in an underground
bunker vying for a cash prize as long as they can convince everyone
else to vote for one person to get the money. Oh, and there’s
a time limit. With every passing second, the amount of money goes
down faster than Nicole Ritchie boxing Mike Tyson. Let’s
do the same with elections! Put the candidates and their campaign
managers underground vying for the number of votes available in
an election and make it unanimous. As time passes, the number
of votes the unanimous winner gets decreases. There is another
twist to this. Just like with “Unanimous” the politicians
can’t get out until they make a decision as to who should
win. The thought of not having to watch or listen to lame campaign
ads should make this a popular choice. And if we “accidentally”
forget to let them out, all the better.
5) Three words: American Voter Idol. This is
similar to #4, but with a twist. Before you’re allowed to
vote, you have to prove you’re worthy of voting in front
of three judges. I can’t guarantee it will be Randy “No
Relation to Michael” Jackson, Paula “No Relation to
Michael, Either” Abdul, and Simon “Okay, So I’m
Related to Michael” Cowell, but we could always find an
abundance of B, C, D, and Q-list celebrities to do it. Then again,
having your ability to vote determined by Cousin Oliver from “The
Brady Bunch,” LaToya “No Comment on My Relation to
Michael” Jackson, and Janeane Garafalo may be enough to
scrap this idea altogether. I’ll put it on the “Maybe”
pile.
And finally:
6) Let me do the voting for you. It’s a
lot of work to remember candidates’ names, their positions
on issues, and whether they would uphold your values. Well, your
problems are over because your humble columnist/publisher/editor/chief
bottle washer is willing to do all of that for you. I know it’s
an awesome responsibility to be able to pick who gets elected
all by myself, but I’m willing to do it because, gosh darn
it, I dig you wacky kids. You can chime in, of course, but I must
carry the burden of this responsibility myself. That leaves you
free to play with your kids, balance your checkbook, take that
underwater pottery class at the local community college you’ve
always wanted to take. Just know that you’re being represented
by me, your bestest voting buddy.
Okay, that one even scared me. I think I'll leave well
enough alone.
And that’s the Bottom Line.
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