How a Grinch Saved Christmas
A holiday rant
Ah, December. It’s a month full of joy, fellowship,
and good times.
Then we have to go to the mall. That’s when things get dicey.
Sure, we may sing “Peace on Earth, good will towards men,”
but that’s before we have to spend the better part of an
hour walking from the car to the front door, sometimes in weather
that would make the penguins at Ice Station Zero want to put on
a parka over their tuxedos.
I may sound like a Grinch, but I think there are some things that
we should do away with around Christmas, and I’m not talking
about Aunt Edna’s fruitcake, the one that’s been passed
from person to person since the fourth Wise Man, Izzy, got turned
away at the manger because he brought it. Here is a list of things
that should be first to go.
People who get offended at holiday greetings. I’ve
heard people actually get upset if you wish them a Merry Christmas
and they’re not Christian. We have Islamic extremist terrorists
who want us dead merely because we don’t think Mohammed
was all that neato, a situation in Darfur that would make a pessimist
out of the best motivational speaker, and a declining situation
in Iraq. And you’re upset over Merry Christmas?
Listen, if a holiday greeting is the biggest thing on your plate
right now, you have a pretty sweet life and no reason to complain
about anything.
Lighting displays. Years ago, people got along
with putting up a few lights around windows and on the tree. Now,
if your house can’t be seen by the Hubble from the outer
reaches of the Milky Way, you’re looked down upon by your
neighbors. Since when has it been a requirement that you have
to recreate the Nativity complete with an electric star that doubles
as a spotlight in order to enjoy the holiday? Here’s a clue.
If your electric bill around this time of year equals the Gross
Natural Product of Paraguay…and the rest of South America,
then you’re overdoing it.
“Perfect gift” shoppers. It never
fails. I have to go into a major retailer or the mall for one
or two items…and I get stuck behind people who are taking
up an aisle looking for “the perfect gift” for a loved
one. Christmas isn’t about “the perfect gift.”
Jesus made due with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, not a PlayStation
3. And he’s the son of God! Quit spending so much time trying
to find a gift that probably won’t mean that much three
months from now.
Holiday Muzak. I can appreciate a Christmas standard
like “White Christmas” or “Oh Little Town of
Bethlehem” as much as anybody. But not when I hear it at
every store as I wait in a line longer than outside a law firm
filing a lawsuit for anyone offended by “Borat.” Let’s
mix things up a bit. Get Ozzy Osbourne to record a version of
“Oh Holy Night.” And who wouldn’t want to hear
Run DMC’s Christmas classic “Christmas In Hollis”
as done by the Ray Coniff Singers? No one, I tells ya!
Of course, there are some things that make Christmas worth all
the hassle. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention them.
(That, and I’d be in trouble with the National Association
for the Advancement of Good Things at Christmas, and we all know
how powerful they are, right?)
Christmas cards. No matter how electronically
inclined we become, most people still take the time to send holiday
greetings in card form. The warmth you get with those cards can’t
be duplicated in an email.
Salvation Army bell ringers. As much a part of
the season as “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” No matter
how many times I pass by the red kettles, I always try to put
in some money because it goes to a worthy cause.
Mall Santas. There is something about seeing
a mall Santa that makes me feel like a kid again. The goodies
you get when you sit on his lap may be different than when I was
five, but the feeling is still the same 32 years later.
“Twas the Night Before Christmas.”
I’ve heard this poem hundreds of times as done by hundreds
of people, but I never get tired of it. If you want to get a good
non-religious feel for Christmas, this is the poem for you.
Nativity scenes. What “Twas the Night Before
Christmas” is for non-religious folks, Nativity scenes are
for Christians. A simple tasteful display of Jesus’s birth
is never out of style this time of year.
“A Charlie Brown Christmas.” The
music alone is worth watching the show. But the show itself is
perfect the way it is. A Christmas without it just isn’t
the same.
And finally…
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men. The best Christmas
gifts you can give, and they don’t cost you a dime.
And that’s the Bottom Line.
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