All By Myself

Kerry’s perfect running mate

by Thomas Lindaman
06/01/04

With John Kerry being the presumptive Democrat Party candidate for President, thoughts are moving towards who will be his running mate. This is where pundits get to float ideas that they hope will catch on so they can puff out their chests and claim they “saw it coming” before everyone else. So far, the pundits have mentioned everyone from Richard “Adam West’s Stunt Double” Gephardt to Wesley “I’ve Seen the Horrors of War, But I’m Scared of Iowa” Clark, and I’m sure there are others that I haven’t mentioned.

Well, allow me to throw my own suggestion into the arena. And I promise not to brag too much if Kerry chooses my running mate above everyone else’s. I have the perfect running mate for John Kerry and his name is…John Kerry.

And, yes, I’m serious (or at least as serious as I can get writing about John Kerry).

When choosing a running mate, there are important qualities that must be considered. The running mate must do no harm, be dynamic without overwhelming the head of the ticket, maximizing the candidate’s strengths while minimizing his weaknesses, and be somebody that the party is confident could take over for the candidate should he have to step aside. John Kerry fits that mold perfectly and would be the perfect running mate for John Kerry.

There is also another reason why John Kerry is John Kerry’s perfect running mate. As we’ve seen in recent months, Kerry’s had more flip flops than a centipede Jimmy Buffet fan jumping on a trampoline. His supporters say it’s because Kerry is a “nuanced” candidate, but it’s not flying with the American people. However, he could still use this to his advantage by creating a second persona. We’ll call him J-2 to keep him straight from John Kerry.

Whenever Kerry wants to portray himself as one type of person to attract votes, J-2 can take the opposite position to attract the other side. Want to get the soccer mom vote without angering the auto workers? Have Kerry give a speech about how SUVs are bad for the environment and then have J-2 give a speech about how SUVs are good for the economy. Both sides will be tempted to vote for Kerry. It’s a win-win situation!

“But, Thomas,” you’re probably asking. “Wouldn’t people think Kerry is flip-flopping again?” (Well, you’re either asking that or, “Where can I get some of what you’re smoking?”) Nope! Kerry can claim that he doesn’t share all the views that J-2 holds, but that he admires J-2’s zeal in trying to attract new voters to the Kerry campaign. Plus, Kerry will never have to worry about whether J-2 goes “off message” because he’s saying exactly what Kerry believes. (To answer the other question, I don’t smoke anything. I’m like this naturally, which is scary enough as it is without introducing drugs into the equation.)

Plus, there are other benefits. Kerry will only have to pay for one plane or bus ticket, only one meal, only one hotel room, and so on. That alone will save the campaign money, which will come in handy near the end of the campaign when money tends to get tight and doing fundraisers isn’t always an option. And think of how much could be saved on printing costs with only one candidate!

Besides that, there’s no prohibition on being your own running mate. It will mean Kerry will have to do a lot more campaign stops, but I think he can handle it, provided he’s not snowboarding, trying to catch a football, or riding a bicycle when doing it.

But perhaps the best reason to have Kerry be his own running mate is chemistry. Think back to Gore/Lieberman 2000 for a moment. They weren’t exactly a good fit because they didn’t quite mesh. There was friction, particularly during their often heated battles over who was more boring. With Kerry, you don’t have that problem because the only one he has to get along with is himself. And if you’re fighting with yourself, you have a problem that only a profession can solve. (On the bright side, though, under President Kerry, he would be able to seek that professional help on the taxpayers’ dime.)

So, John, your search is over. Just announce that you’re your own running mate and the rest is easy! Hey, you could make a worse decision, like letting Ted Kennedy do the driving or Eleanor Clift give you debate tips.

And that’s the Bottom Line.