Square to Be Hip?

Kerry and the "image thing"

by Thomas Lindaman
10/01/04

As the election draws closer to November 2, John Kerry's finding himself in a situation he's been in before. No, not faking military records; being behind in an election. He's made it a point to come on strong at the end and pull out a victory. It remains to be seen if history will repeat itself, but there is one thing that is playing out before our eyes.

John Kerry is simply trying too hard to get people to like him.

Unlike Al Gore who tried to persuade people to vote for him by rolling out more personalities than Sybil, Kerry's problem is that he doesn't have a personality, per se. He does have a role, though, that of the "cool dad." For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, a "cool dad" is a father who tries to be his son's best friend. He also tries to adopt the slang, dress, and mannerisms of his son to fit in. But the key to the "cool dad" is a lack of limitations. Want to throw an all night poker party complete with beer and strippers? Talk to the "cool dad!" (By the way, if you are a father who gets his son beer and strippers, please adopt me!)

We've seen Kerry try to do this in recent weeks. With appearances on "The Daily Show" and "The Late Show with David Letterman," he's tried to appeal to a younger audience. Couple this with pictures of him windsurfing, riding a bike, or trying to catch a football (although I think if he doesn't win the Presidency, he has a job waiting for him with the Houston Texans) and you have a man trying to look hip for the kids, not unlike the "cool dad" does.

The drawback to being the "cool dad" is that you never quite gain the respect of those you wish to impress. Sure, the kids will love that their dad is being a doormat with a credit card, but that will get old after a while and the kids will never see you the same way again. Democrats are feeling that right now with Kerry because he's telling people he'll give them whatever they want (without telling us how, by the way). So far, it's gotten him more than a few potential votes, but as time has gone on, the thrill of having Kerry as a "cool dad" candidate has lost some of its luster.

The Bush team has started taking advantage of this in a recent campaign ad showing Kerry windsurfing. And they raise a valid issue. Do we really want to see a candidate for the most powerful position in the world in a wetsuit? (Well, maybe Ralph Nader, but that's it.) Same thing with Kerry on his mountain bike or on the slopes snowboarding. He's trying to do things that young people do, but the way he does them makes him look, well, goofy.

That's one of the other drawbacks to being a "cool dad." When older people try to wear the fashions of their children, they usually wind up looking pathetic. You wouldn't want to see Grandma Ethel wearing a halter top, hip huggers, and a belly ring, and she's family. We tend to demand a little more common and fashion sense out of our elected officials.

This trend towards trying to appear hip is not without reason. Kerry's going after the youth vote, which has been relatively evenly split between Democrats and Republicans in recent years. So, he has to appear to be more active than his external features would suggest. And let's face it, anything that can pull young voters away from Everquest can't be a bad thing. But the question becomes how long will Kerry be able to keep their attentions with these activities. Having heard John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, I'd have to say not unless he's willing to get a couple of body piercings, a tattoo, and a shaved head. And even then, it's iffy.

What this forces Kerry to do is to do more outrageous things to keep their attention. Don't be surprised if you see Kerry skydiving, riding a motocross cycle, or appearing at a Boston Red Sox game dressed like George Steinbrenner in the days leading up to Election Day. Then when that doesn't work anymore, he'll have to up the ante. And when that doesn't work, he'll have to up the ante yet again. See a pattern forming here, kids?

And there's no guarantee it will work more than once, either. Attention spans in both kids and adults are shorter than a Britney Spears wedding. Shocks to the system don't always last. Take "Beavis and Butthead" for example. When they first hit MTV, they were considered shocking. Eventually, they became the center of controvery after kids started imitating their antics with lighters. Then, eventually, they lost their shock value and became part of the cultural lexicon, only to eventually fade into obscurity.

If Kerry wants to avoid a similar fate, he has two choices: stop trying to be the "cool dad" candidate and be the candidate he should be, or start shopping at Hot Topic for his clothes. And given the fact that no President has ever won the White House wearing an "I Fling Poo" t-shirt (because no one's really tried to), Kerry needs to start appearing Presidential. That's right, John. You need to trade those biking shorts for a blue suit and fast because a) you can't convince people that you're a better man for the job than George W. Bush if you don't look the part, and b) you just look too damn odd in bike shorts. Americans like our politicians old and overweight so that we don't feel as bad about ourselves when we see them. Hey, it worked for Ted Kennedy...

And it can work for you. Hey, maybe Michael Moore would be willing to share some of his daily Twinkie intake with you in exchange for a Cabinet post, like Secretary of Anti-Republican Propaganda. Then, pack on the pounds like Al Gore, maybe grow a beard, and you'll be set.

Oh, you still won't be President, but you will have a bright future as Gore's replacement on the "I Got Beat By George W. Bush Tour."

And that's the Bottom Line.