Who Needs a Hug?

Healing the nation, Lindaman style

by Thomas Lindaman
10/16/04

The 2004 Presidential election has been nasty. I’ve seen street gang turf wars that have been friendlier than the debates between Democrats and Republicans over who should lead the country. It’s getting so bad that the Israelis and Palestinians have sent over advisors to tell the two major political parties how to get along.

But so far no one has thought about what happens after the election is done. A situation like this requires more than mere apologies and the exchange of fruit baskets at Christmas. We’re going to need some serious help to repair the rifts that have erupted. And with me being a solutions-oriented man like one of my heroes, sports columnist Woody Paige, I’ve come up with a few possibilities to consider.

Hugs. What feels better than a hug? Nothing! And given the nature of this election, there are going to be a huge need for hugs. Therefore, I will volunteer to give hugs to anyone who needs one after the election. Now the question is how to get people onboard. Simple. I will give hugs for $2 a head, with $1 going to charity and the other $1 going into my pocket. The charity element will appeal to Democrats, who think conservatives don’t do enough to help the community, and the profit element will appeal to Republicans because they’ll think it’s innovative for a money-making venture. Everybody wins (especially me if I get to hug some really cute women)!

Dodgeball. It’s the hottest sport since…well, the last sport involving people flinging balls at each other. And it can be played by common people as well as the rich. The concept is very simple. We get the Bush supporters and the Kerry supporters in a big place with a lot of open territory, like Montana or South Dakota, give them all red rubber balls, and have the country’s first post-election game of dodgeball. There will be two referees, and they will be the two people I know who don’t take crap from anyone: my mom and dad. Try crying and whining about a bad call to them and see what they do. Having had three boys with varying degrees of mischief-making skills, I know they’ll laugh at any excuse either side gives for not being out.

I know there are Democrats out there who will be offended at this idea because they think dodgeball promotes violence and bad feelings. How exactly is that different from this election year?

Learn to meditate (Republicans only) or learn to shoot (Democrats only). The best way to come down after a stressful situation is to do something that makes you feel good. But in the interest of diversity, I think it’s best if we have the two parties learn how to relax as their opponents do. Should Bush/Cheney lose, Republicans can take up meditation to find their inner calm. (A centered Pat Buchanan would be worth the effort, in my opinion.) Should Kerry/Edwards lose, Democrats can learn how to shoot guns. No gun control laws, no assault weapons bans, no laws against certain types of bullets, you’re learning to shoot. Trust me, a calmer, better educated country following the 2004 election will be a necessity.

A major party! This one’s a no-brainer, folks. Can you really get mad at people when you have a beer in your hand and you’re listening to some awesome tunes? Hell no! The weekend immediately following Election Day, the nation just has the biggest raging party in history! And considering this is the United States of America and we are the innovators of excess, it will be memorable. Lots of booze, people dancing on tables, bands playing loud music, and occasional drunken nudity. Who wouldn’t want to be part of that????

We’ll have to confine it to a weekend, since we all still have stuff to do. We should be able to get our fun on over a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I think. Hell, just make the Monday after this party a national holiday so that we can all recover, clean up, and be back to work on Tuesday. It’s the perfect solution. And just think of how quickly we could pay down the national debt if we had a cover charge!

But there are two rules that will be strictly enforced. If your party wins the election, you aren’t allowed to gloat. If your party loses the election, you aren’t allowed to cry about it. Other than that, it’s every man, woman, child, small farm animal, et al, for themselves.

Just remember if you decide to enact any of these ideas that I get a cut of any money you make and proper attribution. Now, who needs a hug?

And that’s the Bottom Line.