Don’t Vote for Me!

Why I’m not seeking the Presidency

by Thomas Lindaman
11/01/04

On November 5, 2004, I will officially be 35 years old. With that milestone comes an intriguing career change, that being running for President. Over the years, I’ve had friends and fans tell me, “You should run for President. You’d be great!” And I will admit the thought has crossed my mind on more than a couple of occasions. So, this is as good a time as any to make this announcement.

I, Thomas Lindaman, will not be seeking any nomination for the Presidency of the United States.

Granted, I meet all the requirements. I will be 35 and I am a natural born citizen (provided Customs doesn’t decide to deport me for trying to smuggle koala bears out of Australia in my…well, the less said about that, the better). But there are a couple of reasons that prevent me from taking the plunge.

1) I’m too honest. For years, we sought candidates for high office who we felt were honest. However, these days honesty will get you branded as any number of nice names from racist to homophobe. We’ve become so accustomed to the idea that politicians will lie to us that when an honest man comes forward in the hopes of changing the conditions we automatically assume the guy is nuts. Case in point: Ross Perot. Okay, so he made Art Bell seem credible with some of the things that came out of his mouth, but you couldn’t doubt Perot’s honesty. And in retrospect, he was right on target with a lot of what he said, especially about NAFTA. How did we reward his honesty? By tossing him over the side and mocking him. That’s what would happen to me if I were to start talking about some of the real reforms I want to implement.

2) I don’t follow a strict party line. In terms of political affiliation, I am a libertarian with the sense to know that no political party has it exactly right. Democrats sometimes come up with good ideas on social issues, while Republicans lead the way on fiscal matters. And I’m the type of guy who praises and damns both sides when I feel it’s necessary. In other words, no political party worth its salt would consider me because I’m not a straight-line party thinker. I will deviate when I think it’s best. And that’s what will ensure I never get elected.

3) I’m not that physically attractive. As many of my critics and ex-girlfriends will attest, I’m not a Brad Pitt clone. I’m not horribly deformed like the Phantom of the Opera, Quasimodo, or Michael Moore, but I’m not that good looking, either. I’m average. However, if you look at what passes for politicians these days, you practically have to have more plastic in your body than a Barbie doll (the children's toy or the strippers of the same name) to be considered for a nomination. An average guy like me wouldn’t stand a chance against a good looking man or woman who parrots a party line.

4) I don’t put up with any crap. Have you seen the Presidential debates? I have to commend George W. Bush for holding his tongue at a few things John Kerry said about him. If I were in Bush’s shoes and Kerry started talking smack, I’d deck him so fast he’d be flip-flopped into next week. I disdain lies and liars, and I would be tempted to take on every single person who said even the tiniest white lie about me, which would mean that nothing would get done. (On second thought, is that necessarily a bad thing?) At any rate, I wouldn’t be a good President because there’s a certain amount of crap that you have to put up with when you’re the Commander In Chief that you can’t control or minimize. And that would drive me nuts (or at least, more nuts than I already am).

5) I don’t care who I offend. Truth is I could care less what offends you because it’s not something that I can control. If you’re not willing to hear what I have to say when I’m saying something you don’t like, then I doubt I could keep you for very long by saying stuff you want to hear. And contrary to popular misconception, I am not required to change my position or rhetoric because you get upset. If I feel strongly about a subject and you get mad, that’s your problem. I won’t change merely to soothe your damaged psyche. Oh, and for the record, I will say to your face what you think I wouldn’t say if you were in front of me.

So, now you know why you shouldn’t vote for me for President in 2008 or anytime soon. Besides, would you really want a koala smuggler as a President? I think not.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

For permission to reprint this article, please contact us at editor@commonconservative.com