Why Not Me?

Lindaman's bid for Homeland Security

by Thomas Lindaman
01/01/05

One of the more interesting departures during the down time between George W. Bush's reelection and inauguration was that of Tom Ridge, head of the Department of Homeland Security. After a brief flirtation with Bernard Kerik, the Bush Administration still does not have someone to head up this relatively new Cabinet post.

Until now.

Mr. President, if you are reading this (and I'm pretty sure you are, given the emails I've received from you where you misspelled "nincompoop" to describe me), I wish to throw my Baltimore Ravens hat into the ring and ask you to consider me to head up Homeland Security. I think I would make a good fit and would bring to the job the respect and seriousness it requires. And at the very least, I could keep an eye on Jenna as she starts her teaching career. Hey, maybe she and I even could start dating, and I could teach her a few things back at my DC apartment, like how much I love it when she touches me on my…what was I talking about again? Oh, yes, Homeland Security.

Obviously, Mr. President, you're going to look for qualifications to show that I'm competent enough to run such an important position. Well, to be honest, I don't have any qualifications. I've never secured a homeland before, let alone this country. I've never run a company or oversaw a government position of any type. Hell, I ran unopposed for student council in high school and still wound up fourth. But there is one thing you have to admit: I have as much experience as Tom Ridge did when he took over the post. Plus, I'm a snappier dresser!

If you're not convinced, let me see if I can persuade you with my ideas on how to run Homeland Security. First off, I'm dumping the color coded terror threat level thing. It's silly. It's what I call the Garanimals approach to national security and it's become something of a joke. I'm sure you intended to be closer to what DEFCON used to be, but dressing it up in reds and yellows at the slightest comment between two people in Afghanistan is silly. We should already be on high alert to terrorism 24/7 as it is. The best way to handle that would be to keep it out of the media and without bright colors to attract attention to it. Handle it quietly and let it be a surprise if terrorists decide to bomb Newark. They'll be scared crapless to see a bunch of Green Berets at the airport pointing guns at them. (I know I would and I'm not even a terrorist!)

Another thing I would do would be to decrease the presence of the Transportation Security Agency at airports. I know this sounds like sheer madness, but let's face facts. The TSA has done some pretty boneheaded things, like detaining elderly women with walkers while waving through guys who could be a younger version of Omar Shariff. And their checks are a bit on the invasive side. When I flew to New York City this summer, it took forever to get through the security checkpoints. On the plus side, though, the TSA agent found a polyp in my colon that I had my doctor check out. Even though they provided this unintended free medical exam, the TSA needs to go.

Finally, I would work on ensuring relations between the FBI and CIA go much more smoothly than they did prior to September 11th. My plan to do this? A big party at my place! We'll grill out, play touch football, drink a lot, maybe watch the game, and generally have a good time. To me, the biggest obstacle between the FBI and CIA is that they don't know each other well enough yet. But at this Homeland Security Mixer/Keg Party, they could. Think about it. Could you get mad at someone in the CIA who you saw bending over the "porcelain god" after drinking too much? Hell no! And we could give each other nicknames like "Animal House." Then when the CIA needs something from an FBI agent, the CIA could say, "Get me Flounder on the horn. I need some information."

So, there you have it, Mr. President. I think I would be a great addition to Homeland Security and at the very least I'd make Cabinet meetings a lot less boring. Have your people call my people and we'll do lunch. I'll be waiting on your call, sir.

And that's the Bottom Line.

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