Not-So-Extreme Makeover?

Dare to be the same!

by Thomas Lindaman
04/16/05

A recent media poll (which can be as accurate as Democrat predictions when Bob Shrum is running a campaign) showed that 60% of the American Catholics surveyed want the Catholic Church to make changes. Among the suggested changes are allowing women to be priests, letting priests marry, and taking a more moderate position on birth control, abortion, and homosexuals. The media have taken this ecclesiastical football and run with it, echoing the sentiments of the Catholics polled.

Personally, I think before the Catholic Church starts calling the "While You Were Out" folks, they need to take a breath and make sure the changes being suggested will actually help them in the long run. I have to admit at this point that I'm not Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, so that would put me directly at odds with the Catholic Church in some circles. But I also have a healthy respect for the Catholic Church because, regardless of the respective pasts of our religions, we still pray to the same God. So, if you're Catholic, please know that I'm not trying to run you guys down because I respect you and, besides, if I'm wrong, I'm getting a one-way ticket to Uncle Satan's Happy Time Eternal Damnation Camp.

The suggestions made so far can be grouped into two categories: cosmetic and fundamental. If you make cosmetic changes, you're changing the exterior while keeping the basics untouched. If you make fundamental changes, you're ripping out the guts of a particular idea and rebuilding it from scratch like the Six Million Dollar Man.

For my money, allowing women to be priests would be a cosmetic change, one that I wholeheartedly support. Women have been involved in religion for centuries, so it seems a bit odd to me that the Catholic Church would allow women into some areas but not others. The one-eyed trouser monster is not an antenna to God. Trust me on this. If the Catholic Church wants to appear to be progressive and hip to the kids, let a woman or two into the priesthood on a trial basis. I guarantee it will help improve the church's image, not to mention make the confessions of teenage Catholic boys a lot more interesting.

Now on the other side of the gender divide, there's allowing priests to marry. The most common reason stated for supporting this change is that it will prevent priests from becoming pedophiles. It's a nifty idea in theory, but it fails because of one tiny oversight: you don't have to be gay to be a pedophile. In fact, a good number of pedophiles out there today have marriages or relationships with the opposite sex. And as we've seen, the Catholic Church is kinda touchy when it comes to pedophilia. (Okay, that was an unfortunate word choice, but you get the idea.) I don't think Catholic priests should be allowed to marry on this basis. If there's another legitimate reason, I'd love to hear it, but I don't think there are too many guys out there thinking, "You know, I love God and want to do His work, but that whole not being able to marry a woman bit just doesn't work for me. I'll go into selling Amway."

As far as more moderate stances on birth control, abortion, and homosexuality, I'm not quite as supportive of these as others might be. It's not that I think the Catholic Church is right with their current standards, but rather that it would create more problems than they would solve. Catholics are serious about these three issues because each one has ties, at least in their minds, to God's word. And for obvious reasons, they don't want to get on God's naughty list because He doesn't mess around with "time outs" when He wants to discipline us. He goes right for the metaphysical paddle.

To lighten up the restrictions on birth control, abortion, and homosexuality would make for good PR, but would rip apart the Catholic Church at the seams like Rosie O'Donnell trying to fit into a swimsuit she wore 20 years ago. In effect, you would create two Catholic Churches, one that would look to Rome for direction, and the other that would take what the Pope says as a suggestion. And both sides would be equally passionate about their faith, so it would make the Hatfield-McCoy feud look like a water balloon fight at a family picnic.

So, let me leave those who are in charge at the Vatican with a suggestion from a Protestant who happens to respect what you do. Before you start ripping apart your faith, take a moment to take stock of what you've accomplished. The Catholic Church has been around for centuries, so you guys must be doing something right. Whatever changes you decide to make, if any, should have this perspective included in the decision making process. Don't change merely because some poll says you should. Change because you feel it is the best thing to keep God's word going and expand the numbers of the faithful.

Oh, and see what you can do about making the Pope's miter a bit smaller. It's a nice bit of headgear, but it's getting so big that pretty soon you'll have to start putting lights on the side of it so aircraft don't hit it.

And that's the Bottom Line.

For permission to reprint this article, please contact us at editor@commonconservative.com