Cuddly Conservatism?

The strategy that will save Tom DeLay

by Thomas Lindaman
05/01/05

I was sitting in a fine eating establishment drinking a perfectly chilled Merlot (okay, I was drinking beer at Hooters) when my thoughts turned to the situation with Tom DeLay. The embattled House Majority Leader has been charged by Democrats with serious ethics violations stemming from a number of incidents, ranging from taking trips to paying family members to be on his campaign staff. More than a few Democrats and some Republicans have suggested that DeLay should step down as Whip due to the severity of the charges, even though there's that niggling little detail of a lack of a conviction on any of the charges against him that remains unresolved.

There were two questions that remained in my mind in light of this situation. One, why is DeLay in the situation he is? And two, would a Hooters Girl go out with an online pundit like me? Then, inspiration (not to mention, so did the Hooters Girl I asked out) struck me. I figured out why Tom DeLay is in the mess he's in.

He's simply not cuddly.

Conservatives are not known for being lovable or squeezable. There are exceptions, but by and large you're more likely to find a sober Ted Kennedy than a cuddly conservative serving in government. This is because conservatives tend to be idea people, not touchy-feely types that tug at your heart strings.

And when it comes to someone who is as cuddly as a cactus, you have Tom DeLay. He's nicknamed "the Hammer" for a reason, and it's not because of his carpentry skills. He's brash, fierce, unapologetic, and every bit as tough as his Texas background suggests. These qualities may hold him in good stead in weathering the controversy surrounding him now, but they don't scream out "Hug me!" Not to mention, he looks like a genetic cross between Ross Perot and Casey Kasem. Damn scary, kids.

Now, let's look at another Washington politician who has had his run-ins with ethical lapses, Bill Clinton. He was brash, fierce, unapologetic, and tough, too, but he also had a likability about him that enfuriated this critics. He was able to deflect criticism about his walking ethical and legal tightropes by appealing directly to our emotional cores. Instead of admitting he was guilty, he didn't even address the charges against him that often and focused on emotional appeals. He would look at us with puppy dog eyes and a pouty lip and before you could say "House impeachment proceedings" we would be feeling sorry for the guy. In short, Clinton avoided serious prosecution by being cuddly.

This is not to say there aren't cuddly conservatives out there right now. Rush Limbaugh has been calling himself "a harmless, lovable little fuzzball" for years. Sean Hannity? Certainly cuddly and warm. Ann Coulter? Cuddly, but mostly to conservative men. These conservatives and many others I didn't mention have the ability to combine ideas with emotional appeals to create a hybrid. And unlike the cars with the same name, this hybrid is going somewhere fast.

Conservatives should really take a look at what these people are doing and take notes. If Tom DeLay were to have employed more of these tactics more often during his political career, he would see any ethics violations melt away. (Then again, the charges seem to be melting away just fine on their own, much to the chagrin of Democrats.)

It's okay to be deep thinkers, but today's politics require at least some balance of the emotional appeal as well as the intellectual appeal. Most people today don't want to think that hard about politics because they think it's too complicated. If it's something they can't figure out between sips of their mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks, they don't want to tackle it. That's why the emotional appeal has become so important in politics. It gives you the power to shape opinion, even if there are no facts to back it up. And in the minds of the typical voter, they would rather have someone lovable telling them how to feel than a professor-type telling them what to think.

So, Mr. DeLay, I'm suggesting an image overhaul. Next time you're faced with an ethics charge or some Democrats want you to resign, buy a bunch of candy, go down to a local preschool, and let the cameras roll as you distribute the candy and play with the kids. Failing that, find a Bob the Builder costume and a daycare center and put that hammer to good use. If it works like I think it will, your job will be safe for years to come. All I ask in return is a letter of thanks and a federal "Get Hooters Girls to Go Out With Me" grant.

And that's the Bottom Line.

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